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    Why does my husband hoard and not take care of anything around the house? No maintenance, I mow the lawn and do most of the outside man chores. What is wrong with him. He washes dishes and likes to shop

    He keeps throwing in my face the fact that he has a job at the power plant.  We have over two acres and it all needs maintenance.  I now have to move about 27 milk crates out of the living room that are filled with his stuff.  New Mexico Magazines, print outs of military specs., old stuff, etc.  He brought them in so they don't get rained on.  Why can't he build or buy a shed?  The driveway is full of things that he finds.  He doesn't use any of it much.  Tons of tools, rusty, tipped over on the ground,  tool boxes , a whole bunch of all kinds, plastic, metal and stuff is on tables outside getting ruined.  Why does he buy stuff, then not take care of anything.  His bedroom is a cluttered mess.  He saves his prescription containers, Crystal Light packaging, jars, bottles,  Hoarder mentality I suppose.  He wants more.  Sonic cleaners, pots and pans, numerous and alot up in the attic.  Several luggage pieces, clothes from a long time ago, and then he leaves the lights on at night so our neighbors can see our mess at night as well.  What do I do to fix him?  Or do I sell what we're not using, and recycle the metal.  That's what I am inclined to do.  I even give away food cuz he overbuys on perishables.    Then we end up not having enough to pay the bills.  I spend all my time cleaning up, organizing, working outside doing chores, fixing things around the house, when I should be looking for a paying job.  I need to do that.  This is ___ working for someone who has the 'more' syndrome.  And to make matters worse he treats me like crap.

    0  Views: 1533 Answers: 9 Posted: 8 years ago

    9 Answers

    The first thing I would do is go to a moving company and purchase moving boxes.  The second thing I would do is go to Walmart and purchase the biggest package possible of packing tape and the biggest package possible of black felt pens.


    I would then drive myself home and get to work...  


    Assemble boxes one or two at a time.  Place assorted items that belong to your husband inside these boxes.  When the boxes are full, tape them up and mark on the boxes "ASSORTED ITEMS".  Place neatly in the corner of the garage... continue until all of the assorted items in, on and around the house are packaged up. 


    I would then have a cup of tea and a serious think.  "Is being treated like crap really worth my time?".  If your answer is. "No.". Find yourself a lawyer and live your life the way you want to live your life.  What you are describing is ridiculous.  If your husband does not want to come to terms with these glaring issues and it's making you completely unhappy, it is time to call it quits. 


    These sites may be of some use.  Click on the links >


    http://compulsivehoardingcenter.com/Compulsive_Hoarding.html


    http://www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding/dante_to_dsm-v.aspx


    http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/hoarding-basics


    http://www.clutterless.org/Psychological/survey_results.htm


     ... By the way, my husband does a lot of things around the house, inside and out and has no problem grocery shopping.  He is a wizard at mowing the lawn. 


    Good Luck.   

    Hoarding is a mental illness, it won't get better until he chooses to take steps into getting treatment.You can start helping him by doing research online and showing him how he meets the criteria. To save your own sanity, focus on getting what you need (perhaps a clutter-free space of your own.

    mycatsmom

    Yup, it is. I had to read a medical book about it to keep up my nursing license. It did say it's a type of mental illness.....if they do it to an extreme....like those cases on the Hoarding TV show. They need help, but they have to want the help.

    There is posiable an element of truth in all the answers,but hoarding can be an illness that needs psicological treamement,and what has been building up for a long time needs adressing with help from somone with the right qulifications,

    mycatsmom

    Hec, but only if he will accept help.
    hector5559

    Yes thats true,but hope for all cocerned they will find a way to resolve ,what appears to be ,an impossible situation,so life is bearable,to the lady before it esculates,

    When I was behaving like your man I went to see if Mental Health Professionals could do anything about how I felt and behaved. I was forgetful and couldn’t stay on track to complete tasks I had started. Mental health is a huge part of my life that has brought me closer to my friends and family when before I was loosing all and blaming everyone for how I felt and behaved. I would be without anyone in my life, miserable and withdrawn into a seething rage were it not for mental health. Being compelled by one’s own insanity to get your act together is harsh and demanding that you clean it all up and get it together. 

    mycatsmom

    Robert, you were brave to share that with us, and to go to a mental health clinic ; and to change for the better for you and for your family.
    robertgrist

    When studying psychology it became obvious everyone should understand how their own thinking affects their life and their perception of others. Anyone who does not understand the effects of their goals needs to study this.

    It sounds as though he has a lack of respect for most things, sadly you as well, you are not his slave and by the sound of it earn more than your share of his wage, find yourself a job (even if it means living in a cluttered mess for awhile) gain some respect and esteem for yourself and stop allowing him to wipe his shoes on you (I do think you have made yourself a doormat) he does these things because he knows your there to pick up, don't be, and earn yourself some money to indulge in a few luxuries you might enjoy, you may even find people that enjoy and value your company and friendship, life is too short, get out and enjoy it

    How long have you two been married and how long has this behaviour been going on ? The remedy lies in the answer to these two questions. My hunch?... DIVORCE !


    Either he's BECOME a slob or you've finally come to the conclusion that his "style" is no longer attractive to you.


     

    Hey, Colleen,


    So glad I have the opportunity to write to you, "Colleen.  Expert on Everything!" What makes me admire you? You always have the answers, and you always need the last word on everything. Also, you are a bully. Like the way you bullied "mycatsmom" because she agreed with me, and then again when she suggested we stay on topic. Your reply: "No. we're not..."  WOW! You are good. BTW, I am a psychologist, NOT a psychiatrist. I am the former. I can not write prescriptions.   So when a patient asks me a question that is outside of my expertise, I do research before answering. I do not claim to be an expert on all things pharmaceutical (much like you). Therefore, the question on Seraquel.  I would prefer my patients to know I am responsible enough to take the time to make sure the answer I give them is well thought out and the research I do to make sure the answer I give them is the most responsible and correct response. And yet you criticize me for this? I would much rather see a therapist who admits that he/she doesn't know ALL the answers to everything and is willing to go the extra mile to help me. But you wouldn't do this. Why? Because you already know everything!


     


     


     

    It sounds to me that you are taking on the "Man of the house" responsibilities, and your husband is more or less taking on the Female role. On another note, he enjoys shopping, another typically female role, like hoarding.


    Have you given any thought to the possibility that he might be gay? Seriously.  I don't know where you are writing this, but if you come from a state that has no tolerance for gays, this is something you have to consider.

    clu

    I hate your answer! You are a sexist! Goodbye!
    cucuytem

    Sorry you didn't like my answer. I have been a therapist for over 20 years, so I know what I'm talking about. I am certainly NOT a sexist, and I don't really care if you like my answer or not. The answer comes from a Doctor of Psychology, who is me. What do you do that makes you an expert on psychology? Seriously...What do you do?
    clu

    I analyze SA's . I am an expert on not one thing! However I still don't like your sexist answer!
    Colleen

    Moderator
    You have no way of verifying that you are a doctor of anything. Judging by your answer, you apparently read too many one sided books and believe you have it all figured out. I am a female and I hate shopping and not all gays love to shop. "One size fits all thinking", is something that anyone in the field you claim to be in, knows NOT to do.
    Colleen

    Moderator
    If you are what you claim to be, why then did you ask this question? "Is Seroquel Habit Forming? And if it is, can one suffer withdrawel symptons after not taking it for a week?"

    Are you taking this drug? A doctor of psychology of 20 years would know the answer to this question.
    mycatsmom

    The first answer cucuytem made--was a well thought out non-degrading answer.
    Colleen

    Moderator
    You're female mycatsmom. Are you a hoarder? Because cucu believes hording is a typical female thing.
    As for roles, I was under the assumption that roles in the hetero relationships were becoming less defined in this modern era. According to cucu, there are still roles and boundaries that should not be crossed by the sexes otherwise it's a problem. Might mean one is gay.
    mycatsmom

    yes. I am somewhat of a hoarder. But, at least you can walk thru my house. We're all getting off topic.Look at the original question .
    Colleen

    Moderator
    No, we're not. The original question mentions hoarding and cucu's answer mentions hoarding. My comment was very much on topic and concerned your acceptance of his answer. I personally do not agree that hoarding is a typical female problem.

    <removed by moderator> ....IM NOT AN EXPERT EITHER BUT I COULD TEACH YOU A THING OR TWO.ND HUN YOUR HUSBAND PROBLY JUST LIKES HOARDING AS ITS NOT HIM THAT CLEANS UP IT YOU ,the reason your husband prefers to do the washing up go to the shops as hes just bone idle these jobs  dont take a lot to do,while your doing the hard slog ,if he wont budge to do the manly jobs ,let him do all cooking cleaning all <removed by moderator> ect ,stand your ground or <removed by moderator> never change


     

    Colleen

    Moderator
    Do not swear on this forum. Please read through the forum rules: http://www.akaqa.com/rules


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