Ultimatum from spouse. How would you react?

    After considerable discussion on a subject, my wife and I could not come to a meeting of the minds. She insisted, not threatened that I give up something that I found much comfort in. I gave in and now I regret not having told her NO, I will do this whether you approve or not. The topic was not an issue that any outside input would have had any influence on. It was not a something that threatened the marriage either.

    +10  Views: 1098 Answers: 26 Posted: 11 years ago

    26 Answers

    I guess it would depend on the consequences of not giving in. There are things I insist I have the right to do, and there are those I just let her have her way. Cannot give a definite answer to your question because there would be too many what-ifs.  

    I love being single : )


    You can still "Argue With yourself in the "Mirror!!

    No, I'm always right so arguing would be pointless :)

    My sentiments exactly LOL no ulitams but my own gets funny as hell at times around here.....

    I couldn't answer this question without knowing the consequences of "standing your ground".  Do you have a NEED to be "RIGHT", regardless of the consequences or is compromise in order?  If you do it your way, will you really be happy and contented?  Is your decision going to affect the happiness of your wife, the one you say you love with all of your heart? Could your engergy be directed another way, something that would make BOTH of you happy, rather than "one or the other"?  Sometimes, "giving in" is not a sign of's just the right thing to do.  I really wish you the best, ed.

    ed shank

    I've always been open to compromise. My 42 year marriage I think proves that. I knuckled under when I should have held my ground. This was in no way a situation that jeopardized my marriage.

    Your 42 year marriage proves nothing to a cynic such as I. I have friends who have been married for almost 50 years. I'm not saying that this is YOUR situation ed, but their whole marriage and every decision concerning it, is and always has been "managed" by one person, and one person only! There is NO COMPROMISE, whatsoever. The length of a marriage means nothing, IMO.Sometimes, it just means that one of them "gives in". Anyway, I say again, I hope this works out and that both of you will be happy! (P.S. No one likes ultimatums!)

    The secret of a long lasting marriage is the ongoing mutual compromise. Based on very many other factors - none of which should be our business - it should be up to you what to do know. I am not sure if this answer helped. Good luck!

    If it was something like drinking, smoking, or something that annoyed or embarrasses her, I could see it. Did she live with activity for a long period of time, before and during the marriage?

    I would have agreed to do it only in her absence, unless it was harmful. She should have met you half way. Your entitled to have a little comfort.

    Good Luck Ed!

    ed shank

    Nothing like that. I did post a comment below.

    We all have to surrender our bad habits some time LOL Aint marriage grand ?

    I'm afraid I'm too stubborn to give in right away.  If it meant so little to my spouse that she ask I stop something that hurts no one, I'd give up the relationship. I say that now but coming down to brass tacks I might would considered her's a win, just to be grown up about it....

    I think you need to find something else you are passionate about.  If this is about the subject of the other day, your wife is probably reacting with a bit of fear in her heart.  You are obviously a very talented and capable person ... there has to be something else you can throw your heart and soul into.

    Good Luck Ed. xo F

    ed shank

    I love doing this work. There is nothing else that would give me the same rush.

    For every problem there is a solution... Think outside the box. You need the magic lightbulb. You are a creative thinker. I know you will figure this out. I have faith.

    Old habits die hard, it's your life as well as your decision..


    This is of course hindsight, but I think you would have perhaps been better off, asking if you could have the evening to think it over, and then addressed it the following day. I say this, as I know how I and many people are, in that, if we have something sprung on us without having the time to think it over, we are often lacking what we need to say when we need to be saying it.


    Wise words!
    ed shank

    This was something that was discussed over a period of time.

    Ed, if you are really upset that you gave in, just have another discussion with your wife about reversing your decission. Give her the reasons why. She may go along with it, but with some conditions.Dont let it fester, tell her. She sounds like a very reasonable woman.

    I know what you mean, as Frank Sinatra said Thats Life.


    "Just be a man !! and give in ,after all "Woman always have the last "WORD!! .Makes life easy.To say "Yes Dear your Right. I always do." Happy as "Mule down a Coal mine.!!



    Ultimatums stink! Don't give me one! I'm not going to obey your order! Blahhh!!!

    If it brought you a lot of comfort and wasn't harmful to you, her, your marriage, why did she insist you stop???  Perhaps she feels the need to "control" you because she feels "out of control"??? If so, Be Warned- she may insist on other things too.  Could you open up the convo. again and tell her you would like continue to do it in her absence...or outside (if smoking)..or less frequently????

    I say... if it is not that big of a deal way are you talking about it??? If it does not effect your finances, fidelity,relationship.... and the only reason you are saying no is to say no... I just dont get the point. 


    Example.. Hubby swears Guys and girls can not be friends... SO I dont tell him I have male friends... It is a pointless argument...


    Really? And you don't think he'll ever hear about it? :(

    He knows full well I have guy friends... I talk to them in public when he is around... I let him assume I act like they are not there if he is not standing next to me... Makes him happy... It is not like I hang out with them... but if we run into each other at Mc Donalds I will share a table...
    Hubby thinks men and weman should only be around one anther to have sex.. I guys can be great friends.

    Oh now I get you. I thought that you meant something going for coffee with them. What you're doing...sure why not? I agree with you...friends are friends and trust is very important in a relationship. I don't like jealousy on either side.

    Yay... You dont think I am a hoe... Whoot whoot!!!! I just don't like to argue for argument sake.

    Moderator I didn't think that at all. I hear ya' loud and clear...just lettin' it slide. Good for you. Sometimes people can't do that. :)

    marriage requires a lot of compromise. If we knew what you had to give up, maybe we could give you more input. Was it drinking ?

    ed shank

    No, it actually kept me from drinking in excess. Very tedious work. Had to have a clear head or someone could die.

    ed….You just gotta do what you gotta do.  Right or wrong being master of your own life is what life is all about. 


    Except if you are "a couple". Then, two lives come into play and it cannot be "all about me". It's then "all about US" and what works for US.

    That is the problem of personal responsibility. Allowing someone to be in charge of your decisions makes you a slave. You can agree with someone or not. If not agreeing but doing out of a treat of consequence then you are submitting out of fear. Fear is the mind killer…it says don't think, jest do. That is how slavery works. The importance of personal choice, personal decision, cannot be over estimated. Remove personal choice and you are a robot.

    And? What if you are a couple?

    Ducka, I left my mother over a threat , I just don’t take threats well and I make sure everyone knows it. I am no one’s slave. Reason and facts are the nicest kind of persuasion….are the only way to move me off my “No”.

    I think that we are talking "a married couple" here (Ed and his wife) and being a couple means compromise, like it or not. Being a couple does not mean threats/ultimatums towards each other. The compromising is the tough part, for all of us.

    The question is a little more difficult to answer when it's vague. Somehow, someway you need to get the matter back on the table for discussion. Ultimatums aren't healthy for relationships usually, but she must really feel strongly to even go there.

    So I would say you'll need some time to figure out if it's worth going against her on whatever subject you're talking about. Weigh the pro's and con's and make your own list of why or why not you should keep doing what you're doing. I don't know if this helps, but I hope so.

  it or else!  tough call.  I would choose or else but that's why I'm still single.

    When you say "ultimatum", it implies this was "do it my way or else".  That is a threat.  You've written "insisted" ,and said this wouldn't affect your marriage, but something that affects your daily life does affect your marriage.  Knowing what it is tells me that it's not something that affects your health or fidelity. These are the only two issues upon which I would be insistent.
    I'm familiar with your hobby and the explosion, lawsuit, etc.  I thought it was admirable that you continued with it and that your wife supported you doing something you loved and had passion about doing.  It was like a "phoenix" rising from the ashes. 
    "If it were me" and I don't know all the circumstances, I would hope that I'd not insist you stop doing what you love. As long as we didn't have to compromise our lifestyle to accommodate it, go right ahead. If we had to compromise, the discussion would be how much and we'd agree on that. You don't impress me as being impossible. 
    Calling it the "money pit" is derogatory and derisive.  Yes, it may be expensive, but it also generates income, gives you an outlet, is something over which you have passion and skill, are in demand, and it keeps you out of the bars, off drugs, busy and stimulated mentally as well as physically, and in your own bed.  She's spent 20 years disdaining something that has those benefits.  What the heck? 
    This decision doesn't sound like a good one; resentment (on both sides) is in the air.  I hope you put this back on the table and try to reach some compromises. I don't see a happy ending otherwise.   You both deserve one.


    look up, Ed told what it was about. He is going to be a ( He Man ) and do it anyway!

    Ed is asking but really, his mind is made up and I quote "Sorry, sweetheart but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." She will either "put up or shut up", in my opinion. :(

    You are probably right, Ducka. He is sounding restless, too. I hope the two of them get on the same page.

    I hope so too. So many couples split up because they don't share each others' passions...some after decades of being together. :(
    ed shank

    We have discussed this issue again and I sense that she realizes that I did sacrifice something dear to me, for her. I did tell her that I feel miserable and bored and hoped that she understood that I need to do this again . She isn't fighting me on this. So things go back to where they were. If I thought this was a marriage breaker, I would rethink this. We have a solid relationship and doing this again is not going to change that.

    I couldn't be happier with your response, ed shank. Thanks for the update!

    Let the wife talk me into giving up my hobby, which also generated a reasonable amount of money, because of a lawsuit I lost. I sold EVERYTHING in the shop and have the building on the market. When the listing contract runs out I'm starting over again regardless of the wife. My sanity is at stake here. I even miss the old a**holes who were constantly loitering in the shop, and the kids who loved sitting in my rail. Sorry sweetheart but "A mans got to do what a mans got to do".



    This is what she talked you out of? This was your peace of mind.I can understand the stress from a lawsuit, that's rough.I can understand how she felt.
    What kind of shop was it? My dad had a little hobby shop, he loved it.
    ed shank

    I'm an engine builder. The engines are for racing machines only. Dragsters, hydroboats, etc. I sold my dragster as well. I WILL build another one. She hasn't gone to the track with me in twenty years, and has no interest in the sport. She calls it the money pit.

    So this is the same thing that you "discussed with us" a couple of weeks ago. Your mind is made up so good luck.

    Considering what the two of you were up against you did the right thing. Also, restarting is a great we only go around this ol' world once. So enjoy!

    That's awful, You should never criticize a mates hobby. She could have found something she liked about it. Being with you, seeing friends, she could have taken up photography, and kept a photo-journal. Then she'd have a hobby with you. The point is to be together, and share an interest.
    Do you involve yourself with her interest?

    Good luck Ed. I had a terrible time with my ex-husband regarding my art... in the end we split up and his attitude towards me being an artist was a very large part of the problems between us. When he married me I was a working artist... I do know what it feels like not doing what you are passionate about. It feels like dying inside.

    I think my ex husband did that, came back from an extended time overseas and demanded I throw in my work and my studies as I didn't have time for everything, he was right, I no longer had enough time for a husband,

    Rock and a hard place situation.  By experience, a wife is not adverturous when it comes to business as a man is.  Her interest is comfortable living now and in the future without worrying about loosing what she has.    Women do not want to risk security.  Could be If you satisfy the security issue she would be more receptive to a business / hobby venture.

    Talked into giving up a high performance hobby lies just above castration for a man.  When you got the fever to run its really hard  to not go for it.  By far though its unusual when this hobby pays for itself.  Can be the money pit.    

    I hope the legal suite didn't include personal injury.    All this that I have stated is just  IMO.

    ed shank

    Money was never the issue. Although it eventually did cost us some in the lawsuit. We are stable in that regard. This will work itself out.

    I would call her bluff and hope she wouldn't  call mine.


    That's disrespectful. 42 year marriage? Would you really? There's a lot at stake here.

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