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    my 30yr old son talked to the public defender today about his #3 DWI.. he will loose license 6 yrs,90 days in jail, $3000 fine, I am so upset will he ever learn?

    +5  Views: 620 Answers: 11 Posted: 12 years ago

    11 Answers

    I think he will now.  I don't want to sound flip but I would buy him a bike helmet and tell him to smarten up... !  Darn it anyway... He should not be upsetting his mother like this... Fool.

    fjoel

    He does have a bike. thank-you.fishfry.
    FISH-O

    Seems to me he will be in very good shape pretty soon.
    fjoel

    ride the bike!
    FISH-O

    Ride the bike! Now we are talking!

    30yrs old! #3! Kinda tells it,s own story. Hopefully the 90 days will do the trick, it,s up to him.


     

    fjoel

    he needs a 12 step program, and i`m sure some other stuff. thanks romos.
    ROMOS

    I hope he gets the help he needs fjoel,I also hope he realises he needs it.
    fjoel

    I wonder that too..

    He should consider himself lucky with just such a light sentence....I was fined $1800 with my only DWI and did 30 days. He should sober up before he kills someone...........

    In PA he would be doing three years in prison, loss of license for life, and a minimum 10K in fines. Save your breath, you have to let him hit rock bottom before anything good can begin to happen. The sad thing is he blames the police for his dilema. Until he realizes that the booze put him in jail, there isn't a thing anyone can do or say. At least for 90 days you need not fear a knock at the door by the police at three in the morning telling you your son has been killed in a wreck. I know this sounds raw, I too am a parent and agonize over the same issue.

    Does he have a drinking problem? He made need treatment and you do too. To be able to help him, you need it. Even if he doesn't go you can and learn how to deal with him in a positive way.


    Whether he has a problem or not, it's no excuse to drive while drinking. He can surrender the keys to a responsible person, before drinking. Call a cab, call mom, call a friend for a lift home. Or walk.


    I think the courts are lost on how to handle this problem. I do not believe, 90 days in jail, $3,000 will help solve the problem. Going without driver licenses for 6 years, I do agree with. It will not solve the problem ,but may save lives.


    He needs treatment. He has to understand he can not drink alcohol,ever. Until he is willing to accept this. The court can only try to keep him from harming himself and others.


    You left out, if he has a temper when drinking. Does he do any kind of drugs? Does he hold down a job, A wife, kids? He needs goals and learn how to work toward them.


    Get yourself some help, the best way to handle this is through education. Know the enemy. Then fight for yourself, your son and your family.


    Good Luck!

    fjoel

    when he drinks he is mean. I`m afraid of him. He does work but only part-time. I have told him many times to get a full time job,I am really upset. He does have a girlfriend.
    Daisy!

    Don't expect things to get better. Your going to have to do some tough love, start now. I take it he lives with you? He needs to understand when he lives with you, there are rules. If he can not follow them, he has to live somewhere else. Expect him to promise the world, it's a pie crust promise, easily made, easily broken. When he realizes you are serious, he'll get nasty. He will try to bully you. This is unacceptable. Let him know it, call 911. Some have to hit rock bottom, before they get the idea. Some never get it.
    Does he pay you any rent, have any responsibilities? Is his girlfriend a drinker too? Is he going to get help while he is in jail? He can if he wants it.
    You need to make up your mind what kind of life you want. I know he is your son, but you have a right to have a peaceful life. Tell him to take his drama somewhere else. He can visit only sober. You have to stand firm and use a little tough love. Get into therapy you need to know how to deal with him.
    There are 101 head games a drinker will play on family members to have his way. You need to know them. You need to know what you are dealing with. Look it up on line.
    I have dealt with alcoholics in rehab.In a lock down unit in NC. It's a nightmare. You have to have help. You can not handle this alone.
    fjoel

    Daisy,my son does hve a girlfriend,she drinks too. He moved back to our house last aug.They broke up after 4 yrs.He drank every day ,smelt like a alcohol pad. After his car wreck in nov.,they evenually got back together. He is at her apartment,comes home to do laundry.He has never bought laundry soap or pays rent. In a way I am afraid to be tough.What is hitting bottom? I want to be at peace. I do not want him to die or kill anyone.
    Daisy!

    In therapy they will teach you how to handle your son, even legally. Many drinkers get mean. You need to act now. Write up a list of rules. He has to sign it, or he can never visit you. He can only visit if he calls first.Change the locks on the doors. He has to be forced to take responsibility for himself and his actions. Following little rules will be a challenge for him. He is not to wash clothes at your home, he can do them in town. His laundry is not your problem. He needs to learn to fend for himself. He has two feet to stand on, let him. You are enabling him to be a free loader. He can not live with you. He is able body and can work. He can provide for himself. That doesn't mean you can't invite him over for a meal or two.
    Keep the rules to 10. It makes it easier for him to remember.
    example.
    1) call before visiting.
    2) never come over drinking.
    3) do your laundry in town
    4) You will not live in my home.
    Don't let him make his problem, your problem.
    When he says," I don't have anywhere to live!"
    That's his problem, not yours. He knows what he has to do to have a place on his own. He is 30, not 18!
    Let him know you will call 911 if he acts out. You will no longer put up with it. He may not care that he is trashing his own life. You will not allow him to trash yours! Make this clear in writing!
    I know your scared, I have been jumped on and attacked when they acted out. I am a small person, attitude goes a long way. I don't play. Do not treat him like a child, he is a man.Demand him to act like one. His behavior is unacceptable, let him know it. Don't fall for pity parties, they'll be thousands.
    You have to be blunt, don't beat around the bush. Learn to say,"NO!"
    Please seek therapy for yourself. They will help you understand what he is going through. What to expect. What you are feeling and how you can help yourself and him.
    Rock bottom is drunk, begging strangers for money, living on the streets. He lives only for the drink. This person is beyond help. Even if he was in rehab 2 years, as soon as he gets out he'll get drunk. I've seen it. It's his choice, don't let him drag you down with him.
    If you stand firm, this will force him to make other choices in his life. Hopefully better ones.
    If he comes over drunk, and refuses to leave, don't open the door. Call 911. He might spend the night in jail, he will be safely off the streets and learn you are not playing with him. Do not give in. If he is smart, he'll wise up and get the help he needs.

    i have a friend who spent a year in prison for dwi,s. i think he had 4. he definately lost weight. but still drives "buzzed" .dummy.

    fjoel

    Carmaxable,how awful,so far he is still alive.

    When the DWI's start stacking up like that, and the alcohol affects his life like it has...there's little doubt he's an alcoholic. Nothing will change until he gets a handle on it...and that only comes by him admitting he needs to stay away from the booze, and then staying away from it.


    Hopefully, he will get some exposure to A.A. in jail, and get to listen to other people who have been there, and something sinks in at a time he feels he needs to change. Not everyone there is successful in abstaining from booze...but it does offer the tools to start dealing with it, and many people have regained their lives with its help.

    Thats a good place for him to be right now. Hopefully he will get help in prison. You schould go to Al -Anon meetings to get help how to deal with his drinking. It affects everyone in the family.I know, my ex was an alcoholic. It affected my children and me in the most negative way.I attented Al-Anon meetings, just to stay sane. You cant be an enabler and have to set rules, as hard as it is. Hopefully this is a turning point in his life.

    fjoel

    ann ,There is al-anon in this area. I do not wan to be a push over. Thank-you.

    I hope he gets the help he needs, you shouldn't have that worry on your shoulders. I have two sons in their 30s they have had a few problems , always a worry. You just have to be there for them don't you, I know how you feel. 

    Time for some tough love . No more help period . You are his crutch and of course he will use you . Stop being there . He is responsible for his own life at 30. Walk away is not at all what you wish to hear . Forcing him to be responsible  for his own disasters is the only way . You are getting sucked in to his disaster and being used ,arent you tired of that ? No decent 30 year old man does laundry at Mommys house . Dr Phil would say you need your foot in his back side and some new locks on the house . You are enabling this behaviour  as a parent you need to be saying NO right now and loudly ,and firmly . I am being blunt but please hear these words :If you do what you have always done ,then you will get what you have always got. Nothing changes ,Do something new learn to say NO and pray God will give you the strength to stick too it.

    fjoel

    This kid has wasted myself and my money. I need to learn to turn it over.
    bluesman1951

    There are no do overs in life .We will arrive at our final destination with all our own baggage,no point in carrying the baggage of others . The guy on the high wire always pays more attention to the task at hand when the net is removed . This journey thru life is not a practice run there is a number to our days and no do overs or extensions . At 30 this is a adult totally responsible for their actions and the consequences . This all ends with a single word NO!!! Good Luck !!! Start living for you ,
    daren1

    @ bluesman..Brilliant..nicely put.

    It seem to me you got some great advice from all the answers here, unfortunitly for him he has to do some time over it,  fortunitly he hasn,t killed any one yet. perhaps some time in jail will do him some good as well as yourself, sorry for the pain he put you through but perhaps now you can both rest knowing he's not a treat to himself or anyone else..



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