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    More drama at my house

    Son and fiancee have been together about 1 1/2 years and have lived with me since mid February.  He has become increasingly critical of her, and has suggested they take a break, giving her the specific dates he wants her to be gone. 
    She is not perfect, but doesn't initiate arguments and is non-confrontational.  He has near total control, having encouraged her to quit her job, give up her car, and get an allowance from him for keeping up their part of the home. He doesn't begrudge what she does with it. 
    She talked to her dad (lives locally and they adore each other). He made arrangements for her to leave in less than a week, going out of state to stay with relatives, who have a car for her and a job awaiting.  She is excited about the trip, and hoping her fiance will miss her, change his attitude, and welcome her home with open arms.  
    My son was less than thrilled with her plans, probably because he didn't have a controlling hand in them.  He is also possessive and all too often throws her past (which isn't bad) at her. HIS past? "What's past is done and can't be changed", she says. SO TRUE!

    There are a lot of modifications that would behoove my son, who has a good heart, but a hard head.  I don't see this relationship lasting the duration without the professional help he has finally agreed to when she returns.
    Any suggestions on what and how, if anything, I can be a good influence on him while she is  gone? I don't want to see him hurt, but she SHOULD break up with him if he can't get off his Emperor's Throne. 
     

    +4  Views: 927 Answers: 11 Posted: 7 years ago

    11 Answers

    Bob, it is your son, you do not say how old, but your youngest.  Has he not seen others with their problems, and want to have better?  I would say, tough love here, you live in my house, no pot.  Also, she may be better off without him, at least until he sorts out this attitude/control problem.  Sorry if I have offended you, that is not my intention.  We all have our weak points, it is a matter of realizing them and trying to work on them.  Perhaps he will in his maturity.  Good luck, Bus.

    Bob/PKB

    He will be 23 the middle of June, and everything you say is rational and sensible. I know I'm not going to insist he cut the pot right now, because I'd rather have him here than out somewhere doing it. That, and I am pretty sure he's going to be cutting back a WHOLE bunch....
    mycatsmom

    the military used to take care of all these problems. Bring back the draft.
    Bob/PKB

    He constantly considers military service. His height prevented him from pursuit of piloting a helicopter.
    bustieone

    Can't he get another field within the military? I have a friend who has 3 sons, all who joined. One picked up linguistics, Arabic, and has made a career from that. The other two went to work for the VA after the service, so it also led to their careers. Urge him to enlist, he may find something that will spring a career?
    Bob/PKB

    He would like to work with maintenance and mechanics. He enjoys gunsmithing, not that he could support his family with that
    mycatsmom

    since he likes guns, he would like the military
    Bob/PKB

    Mcm, I think so, too. We talked about it last night

    I will plough in here with my twopence worth.


    Your Son needs a good talking to (if possible) I think not.


    Is this the girlfriend that is a "beer aholic"?


    She is better of without him.


    Hopefully the kids will get over all this crap.


    I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to say about your son, he needs to change, and change quick, or the rest of his life is going to be much and such the same!

    Bob/PKB

    Thank you for your honesty. This is my youngest son, no kids involved, and no alcohol issues, although the couple does enjoy smoking pot on a frequent basis. I know, it's hard to keep it straight. :D
    ROMOS

    He needs to stop the pot!
    Kids think it's great stuff.
    Leads to all kind of problems.
    PARANOIA being one of the worst.
    You certainly don't have your problems to seek P.
    Bob/PKB

    I'll have to get some research on pot to leave in an obvious place. I'm hoping his brothers will tell him to wake up. They have both had a chance to get to know her, and think their brother is unreasonable.
    There was a period of about 18 months where my son had absolutely no control over his life...it explains a lot (to me) about why he wants to hold the reins. Needs to grow up a little more.

    I can't give any advice. There comes a time when people need to solve their own dramas and create their own lives. Even if you could figure everything out for your kids, would they listen? Have they listened in the past?

    Bob/PKB

    Actually, they DO listen when they ask for advice. I listen and try not to offer any advice unless it's requested.
    I don't want to tell either of them what to do, as I certainly can't say, "See, look at my life. If you do as I say, you can have this life for yourself!" That would make anyone in his right mind hightail it to Mexico (or points far north).
    I would just like to give him things to think about when the opportunity arises. I have to play dumb about their problems, which doesn't take much effort.
    Ducky

    Moderator
    If forced to do so, they will learn to figure out life on their own or, they will rely on those who are willing to "help". Their decisions will be good ones or bad ones but that's how we ALL grow up, isn't it?
    Bob/PKB

    Very much so. My parents dictated parts of my life that made things easier at the time, but so difficult now.
    Ducky

    Moderator
    Yes, but all parents make mistakes. Then we become adults and make our own mistakes. :(
    Bob/PKB

    The scariest part of parenthood is when you find yourself doing or saying what your mom or dad did to you, and you (at the time) were appalled by THEIR ignorance

    There is a time and place along the journey when a parent has to let go and as one Mother to another, stop enabling.


    I will say that Father of your son's fiancé is a smart cookie.  It is too bad he hasn't any relatives in Europe.  Time and distance will give them both time to think.  Hopefully she throws her cell phone into a river on her travels to her new destination.  Your son needs to give his head a shake.


    Please don't blame yourself for his actions or attitude.  These two items belong to him.  

    Bob/PKB

    Absolutely, fishlet, dear friend. My heart goes out to him, though, but I am keeping my thoughts to myself. It makes me sad to pretty much know this is over.

    I'll bet you a buck right now if she has this break away & enjoys it she won't want to come back.That may be all for the better. Not only for the both of them but for your peace of mind as well.Question for you...Why do you tolerate pot in your house?? As long as they are using that crap neither one of them is ever going to think straight.

    Bob/PKB

    I knew they smoked when they asked about moving in. I know where they are nearly 24/7. They pretty much keep to themselves, clean up after themselves, don't have a bunch of people over here making a mess. They are frugal and enjoy a trip to the Dollar Store over a trip to Macy's. My son works a straight 70 hours with my mom, which is a highly stressful job.
    I am hopeful they will both grow tired of this in the short run. She won't be smoking where she is going, and I think my son will cut back a lot without her here.
    It's not ideal, but I am glad to have them here.

    Bob, I've said this before and I'll say it again:  Adoption is the only answer. Seriously though,  I'm at a loss.  Does he ever stop and listen to you?  Maybe her leaving will be the answer.  Make him see and grow up. It's not in your hands........

    Bob/PKB

    Julie, this is my youngest son, who has no children. You are thinking of my eldest, who has three children and the beer-swilling girlfriend. :(
    mycatsmom

    he needs a talking to and some influence by a Man in his family, PKB...not always by you. Can't his dad straighten him out, or an uncle, or a great uncle, or a trusted well known older male neighbor or male friend of yours, PKB ? Frankly, a lot of men won't listen to a woman, but they'll listen to a man.
    Bob/PKB

    My son's father has been a disappointment to my son. The man won't give him any advice or talk with him personally about relationships, and my son would probably laugh in his face, as "dad" doesn't lead by example.
    He (my son) is resentful of authority, too, and I won't ever go into the history about that here.
    IF he gets himself to a counselor or therapist he can trust, I think he could make some good progress. Time will tell.

    Just be you. He’ll come around. Really. He’s still a kid.


    “Parenthood abruptly catapults us into a permanent relationship with a stranger.”

    Bob/PKB

    Good quote! Fiancee leaves Monday afternoon (it's Saturday now). She spent the morning with her dad, and came back happy and glowing. They love yard sales and flea markets.
    My son has been in a better mood today, working with me on a big yard project before heading off to a paintball place.
    There IS hope for them. We'll see what happens.

    I think they will be better a part, and they make a new life, hopefully away from drugs.

    Bob/PKB

    She got as high as possible before leaving. He says he needs to cleann up. We'll see

    He will come around Bob,at 23 he's just starting to find his spot in the world,he'll come around,just be thankful he's not in a prison cell trying to find his way at 23 years old,as I was.He will be OK,I just know it...Better day's FULL AHEAD   :)

    Bob/PKB

    I understand what you are saying, and tend to agree. My middle son went to county jail (s) for most of his 23rd and 24th years. Clean, sober, and marking time when he isn't taking another small step forward. As long as we learn before it's too late. He still has his grandmother, for whom he is devoted. Thank you for your supportive words.

    PKB, you must be a nervous wreck. I just hope  that  1. They don't get married  2.  they don't have another child.  Your son is not the only one who's at fault here. She doesn't seem to be a very good picker-outer of life time mates. i.e. husbands, and the father of her children. She should have broken off this relationship a long time ago, but lived near him so the children could see him regualarly. It's important for children to have a father in the life.......especailly for boys, or they go off the deep end. It seems that they're both a little immature. Sorry, but you asked. We Saggitarians are painfully honest, but people don't always like us b/c they don't want to hear the truth.   :- \    

    Bob/PKB

    My son is single and has no children.
    mycatsmom

    sorry.Guess I got him confused with your older son :-|
    Bob/PKB

    Not a big deal. There's always something not quite right going on here with one or more of them.

    Late to the show, but my humble opinion ... 23 years old? Does he work and pay you room and board for both of them? earn enough to support them both?  If so, why do they live w/you?  I suspect you know the answers you seek.  Also, old sayings become old sayings b/c most times they are true; thus, we were unable to see the truth of the advice our folks handed down to us until we were in their shoes (as they experienced with their folks). If you really want to help him, sit him down, calmly review things, always emphasizing your love for him and desire for him to have a fulfilling, rewarding and happy life, which he will not achieve until he changes things; you've tried tro help him and now the best you can do for him is put him out on his own, with or without the girlfriend.  It is time he becme a responsible adult.  Give him a three or four week deadline and offer to help him find another place (but do not give him $) Honest, this is the best for him. Be strong and do not blame yourself for anything. I am sure you (as most of us) did the best you could at the time and that my dear is success.

    Bob/PKB

    He DOES pay expenses to me for both of them. I hesitate to throw him out at this time for a number of reasons, but it will stay in the front of my mind. There have to be changes made.


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