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    When is it time to let go ??

    My wife whom i love very dearly lost her brother (#3 that passed away from drugs and alcohol) died almost 14 years ago this past month. she mourns his death daily any advice ?

    +10  Views: 921 Answers: 17 Posted: 7 years ago
    Dardaigh

    Yes she is but maybe you could get a trusted family member, friend or even her family doctor to get her to see how much she is missing out on life by not seeking the proper help. It's such a tough situation when people won't realize how much they are hurting and by extention, hurting the ones who love them. You see her pain but can do nothing until she decides it's time.

    17 Answers

    I lost my sister to alcohol (suicide) almost three years ago.  I have now come to terms with it.  There is no telling how long it will take for someone to come to terms.


    My sister was my best friend but not because she was good at it... she was my best friend because as children we only had each other.  We grew up in a volitile environment.  I am loyal and she was needy.  She became very troubled and nothing, nothing, nothing I did could make her world a better one.


    I felt very responsible when my sister took her life.  She was my little sister.


    I feel for your wife.  The loss of a sibling (I have lost both of mine) is very difficult.  She needs your understanding.  She might never let go of her loss or one day she may wake up, look at you and tell you she is over her loss.

    Perhaps a drug counsellor could assist you Daren1, as they must often deal with the whole family, including those left behind, after one of their clients has passed away.  He/she may have some information or guidance that would help you, to help her.  It's difficult to know what to do, when a struggling person does not seem to realize that there is a way out of the horrible feelings. Survivors often feel guilty, when they have a moment of laughter or happiness, believing that they MUST mourn forever. I wish you both well.

    I'm sorry to hear this. The only thing I can think of is to find a group that deals with grief counceling and go with her to a few meetings. Maybe if in a group she would feel more comfortable.  In my area there are such groups. Let us know.

    carmaxable

    good advice.

    Daren, it is so sweet that you care so deeply for your wife.


    To me it sounds as if she is depressed. No amout of love and support from you will change that.


    She definitely needs to see a doctor. Good luck.


    All positive thoughts to you! :)

    daren1

    I know she does but i believe she is in denial.

    I'll repeat myself at the risk of sounding like a broken record: Pick up a copy of HOW TO SURVIVE THE LOSS OF A LOVE  This is very healing, allows for mourning, allows for crying, and turns out making you feel better.......

    Bob/PKB

    Peter McWilliams was a favorite poet of mine 40 years ago. It is great to see his work in this book. My favorite "poem" so far:
    "She asked me if it was it a drain seeing him again?
    It wasn't a drain.
    It was a sewer."

    Reading this was actually the turning point for me.

    I love my wife but it really breaks my heart to see her go through such pain almost on a daily basis, It's not like i am unsensitive her pain is mine as well, I have been urging her to get counciling for years yet she refuses it's really becoming a problem in which she needs help that i can't give..

    Bob/PKB

    I'm sorry she has refused to talk about her loss with someone who may be able to help her find her way past the pain. That would be my immediate and consistent answer to your question: seek professional counseling, grief counseling, specifically.
    Perhaps you can talk to a professional therapist who can give you "tried and true" tactics to help her move forward.
    On a personal note, I suffer from depression and the inability to let go of hurtful times. Some of my baggage goes back to 1973 and even earlier. I wish I had the answer to unpacking that bag!
    I am reading the book jhharlan recommended, and I think you may find it helpful for your wife as well.
    jhharlan

    Thank you, Bob. See my comment below.....
    daren1

    Thank you both bobby and Jh I use to think time would heal this wound but evidently not in this case, I will look into that book you reconmend..

    I think the best you can do is stick by her mate,like you have been doing.That kind of grief is very hard to deal with.for her & for you.I'm not gunna advise you to talk her into counselling.You already know about that anyway.Look after her.Grieve with her if that's what it takes let her talk about it & be patient.Good luck mate.

    Gosh, this makes me sad.  There is always a time of mourning...but 14 years is a long time.  i wonder if she is suffering from "Survivor's Guilt".  If she feels like she "should have known", "should have done more", felt like his Guardian as a child, or somehow thinks she contributed to his addictions and thus his death, she needs help.  All of these are 'false' thinking and can leave someone stuck in grief and guilt (though the guilt isn't a reality it comes from false thinking).  Do you think she would read the book, go to grief counseling, or join a survivors group??


    I worry she may eventually become suicidal.  I also worry that she will lose friends.  What is she like with people at work and her friends???


    It must be painful and frustrating for you!!!!

    padovenick

    thought of survivors guilt also. Have the two of you tried to dig into the root of why she is stalled at this stage of mourning so long? I lost someone nearly 40 years ago that was so near and dear that my heart aches whenever his death is discussed; so I dont think there is such a thing as 'getting over it'; but there is a time when obsessing about it should cease. If she is not receptive to outside help, ie couseling, medication, etc. It is very important that YOU find a support group so that you are not brought down into this depressive dungeon along with her.
    doolittle

    Great advive padovenick!

    I know what your going through Daren1 take Tommy advice, is all I can say, You've got to stick to it, never give up! May God give you the strenght I know He will by asking! I'm in the same sittuation as you are with my wife, Been depress and anxity and all this, there time I'm going crazy, Just be patient, Love is all you need.

    Dealing with death of someone that close is very painful. There is no "normal" response to death and mourning. Everyone is different and it can cause depression and even physical illness. There are grief support groups on "My Space" That might help your wife talking with someone that has gone through the same thing and there are grief support groups in most cities and towns. That could really be a turning point for your wife. to talk to someone who is in the same situation. God bless.

    Daren I would take asap to abreavement councelor and do think you should both go as you have been as much apart of all this as your wife it will help the both of you she will help to let go as soon as she is advised by the councelor this will help so much you are both in my thoughts ps I have a feeling she is blaming her self in the way her Brother died she probley feels she didnt do enough this is one of the common cases when drugs and aclohol are involed good luck Daren keep us posted x

    Follow jharlan advise and keep loving your wife...

    She should see a grief counselor.  Also, ask her what he would say to her if he knew she was still grieving for him after all this time.  I'm sure he would want her to move on with her life.  God bless you both.  

    14 years is a long time to mourn a loved ones passing, what an incredible amount of emotional pain for your wife to suffer, she needs to off load this tremendous baggage she has been carrying and that would be done through grief counseling, that is what they are there for, to help us get through the saddest of times.God Bless.

    My sister would mourn for about 14 minutes.


    Give or take a minute.

    Bob/PKB

    Mine, too.
    TSC

    LOL My sister and I had a MAJOR argument over my 89 year old mother two weeks ago. Some nasty stuff was said. Thats where I get the 14 minutes from. :(
    doolittle

    I feel for you...and Pray that when my sibling and I have to "discuss" our aging parent(s) it will be 'agreeable'...I'm sorry you are having to deal with this!
    TSC

    Thanks doo. :)

    my husband is my best friendI  but it really breaks my heart to see her go through such pain almost on a daily basis, It's not like i am unsensitive her pain is mine as well, .

    When I was very very sad I asked “How long will it take?"


    “It just takes time,” she said.


    How long?


    “As long as it takes.”   (Twenty years ago)


    I love Dardeigh’s answer.



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