Why can't I forgive?

    My husband deserted me and our four kids for a woman he rekindled on facebook that he known while in middle school. That relationship didn't work and he begged me to accept him back. I did..... But after a year of trying to work things out. I just couldn't forgive him and I left him. Its been a year now. And he wants to be friends but I cannot forget or forgive him. I do love him still very much but I do not want him back.

    +3  Views: 749 Answers: 7 Posted: 11 years ago

    I am not good at this either yet but I am still working on it - Forgiving someone is more for oneself as in letting go and trying to not hate as unforgiveness and hatred run sort of hand and hand and it truly does more harm to ones self than the other person. I try to remember like someone told me once it is like drinking poison oneself and hoping the other person will die from it. It does not work. So I hope like me you try to forgive and forgiving does not mean you have to allow that other person or persons back into your life again just means you lay it down, let it go and move on with your life to better yourself. Hope that makes sense to you it does to me but does not to some. I wish you the best.

    7 Answers

    I don't know if I blame you for not forgiving him! He tossed a whole family aside just to chase after someone else...that's a huge betrayal! It would be one thing if you two just couldn't get along and needed to split up. But, how does someone just discard 4 kids like they never meant anything to him at all? I honestly think there is something fundamentally wrong with someone who could walk away from his family, just to chase someone different. Your children will pay the price for his stupidity...and that's what would make it the hardest to forgive.I wish you luck though, and hope someone good and decent comes into you and your family's lives.

    Still Angry

    Thanks you for the kind words Shootah. I do feel betrayed. I gave him the best 20 years. I am a attarctive woman who still looks very young for her age and kept myself in shape. The other woman was over 250 lbs and child services took her two kids away for drug abuse.(so he told me, I don't know her) He left his job of 100 thou a year and left me pennies and homeless. For two years I had struggle to help myself and our four kids. He wanted everything to be the same. But he had lived two years with this other woman. I in that time became a strong changed independent woman. I believe the only reason he wants me back is because, I am a good faithful women who has her stuff together. Three of the four kids are in college now. He has not helped me or provided a dime. I have stayed single to show my two daughters. A women can be indepent with out a man. I just don't want his friendship and I am not ready to forgive....

    Possibly, you just haven't progressed to the point where you can "let it go".  It sounds trite, I know. As long as you are hurt and angry, you aren't going to be friends or be able to establish a solid relationship with someone else.  Your children have suffered (mine sure did); do they see or feel your anger?  That would be one thing I would try to control and stifle.  Very destructive on the kids. 
    Consider telling him that, while you'd like to have a better relationship with him, right now you just can't promise him anything. Ask him to be respectful of your need for him to keep his distance.  If he respects that, he may have a chance to be friends later on.
    It's up to you. If you send him away, make sure you have a good talk with your kid about WHY. Details aren't necessary; they just need to know you are still hurting and not able to forgive yet.
    I hope you can find a couple of laughs here. 


    it's in your heart,dig deeply or it will cause bitterness and the only who really loses is you.

    Still Angry

    You are right daren1 the bitterness in myself has caused problems within myself. Including a alcholholic period of 3 months. I want to forgive him but I haven't found that moment yet. He ripped my heart out....

    I doubt I'd forgive either, you've obviously done a wonderful job of raising your children without him, I don't think you can ever gain that trust back once you've been betrayed so badly', you can be proud of what you have achieved without him, keep your head up and look forward to meeting someone that would appreciate you. I think you deserve a whole lot better than someone who left you and came running back when things for him didn't work out.

    Do you want to move beyond this awful situation that you have experienced or do you prefer to keep the drama going forever?  If the first, seek counselling.  If the latter, there are lots of people who will gladly listen to you everyday,  and their negative view, along with your own, will keep you "stuck" forever. No one but you can make that decision.  I hope you will think this over and hopefully, move in the right direction and that, my friend, is not looking back!

    I couldn't forgive either. The ultimate betrayal.

    I admire your strength and courage to be able to stand on your own 2 feet and raise your children alone.I understand that you can't forgive, how could you ?The pain of betrayal and abandonment is still raw.Maybe one day when you recover from your pain, you might find it in your heart to forgive, but until then keep living your life like the independant woman that you are.

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