My niece was recently in a fight at school. She is 15 the other girl is 18. My niece claims that the 18 yr old Hit her first. They girl and her friends claim it was my niece. THe school has yet to speak with any witnesses other than the girls friends.
AS the story goes... THe 18 hit the 15... the 15 got the best of the 18 holding her on the ground and punching her n the head. A friend of the 15 walked up and kicked the 18 in the face... The 15 got off and walked away. The 18 then got into it with the other 15. !8 had her nose broken.
This is after years of torment from the 18. When the fight broke out the 18 called the 15 a f...ing whore. The 15 responded you are the f...ing whore.... And 18 started swinging. Charges were pressed on both 15's... and they were suspended. The school wants to take out a restrianing order on the 15's. And is threating alternitive school (juvinilne delenquien school)
Here is my question...
What should I do????
Important fact..... Mom works 2 hours away and dad has not even spoken to her in 2 years.... (his wife made him choose between his 'old family' and his 'new family'). So I am left to pick up the peices.
3 Answers
Bluesman is probably not going to agree with me, but anyway, Jenn, this is what I think:
First of all, love is something ALL people deserve and need, and probably your niece has a serious deficit here that is leading her onto the wrong way in life. Being nice or giving love is the right thing to do - as long as you don't destroy yourself in order to do so. Jenn, I have read many of your contributions on this site and I have the impression you are often under great emotional stress, your life doesn't seem to be easy. So whatever you do for your niece - and God bless you for it - don't let it suck your vital energy out of you.
Your niece has grown up in a dysfunctional family, and if she doesn't get relevant changes into her life, she'll pay for it during her entire existence. Sending her to a school for juvenile delinquents is putting her on the path of social precariousness - she won't improve there because her teachers will treat her like a little criminal and her companions will display the same destructive behavioural patterns as she herself is developing. Also, who will ever give her a job with that kind of institution figuring in her cv? It may sound radical, but I believe your niece needs to get out of her surroundings as soon as possible, and get somewhere where she receives positive feedback for her skills and for who she is, and where she learns to relate to others not by being violent or offensive, but by actually being social. I don't know whether there are any accessible boarding schools in your country (the US?) - and I mean ANYWHERE in your country, even if it were thousands of miles away. Or whether there are study programs for young people where they get some kind of diploma that they can start their adulthood and professional life on? What I mean to say is: your niece needs surroundings where she is challenged to be responsible, to cooperate with others and where she develops skills or acquires knowledge that improve her self-esteem and that give her something to live on later. You can even send her away for a year of social work in India or wherever... she needs to learn respect for herself and for other humans, and how to value her time. Those are things she won't learn where she is now. She needs to be somewhere else completely, and on her own so she'll recognize how important it is to be able to coexist and cooperate with others.
As for your niece's dad - I don't think you can expect him to suddenly take up contact with his daughter and be the loving father she would have needed. His decision shows that he is not capable of healthy affective behaviour.
Talk to your niece's mom, see what ideas she is willing to put into practise. This can be a positive or a negative turning point in your niece's life. Think well about the next step and its consequences for your niece and for the emotional state of the family. And remember to take good care of yourself, too.
My best wishes,
Papitou
13 years ago. Rating: 1 | |
I have to say as teen , they all make really bad decisions one way or the other. I don't doubt the 18 year old was bullying and your niece had enough and snapped. Unfortunately being in the teen years I constantly witness my son make bad decisions because he lives so much in the moment and consequences just don't occur to him until they start to happen. I sadly have to say that there may not be a lot of picking her up now that she has fallen. I do agree that you could talk to a lawyer and gather witness statements but the underlying fact is she still reacted without thinking. I have been told to back up and let my son pick himself up more when he falls and no matter how hard , thats what has to be done.
13 years ago. Rating: 0 | |
You get chances in life and it it appears you gave her one. When you reach a point in your life where kicking some one in the head is what you do ,then there are other problems. When you do things like this society will remove you from the mainstream and keep you from others. Rightfully so !!!!!!!! We are each responsible for our actions and deeds ,if this has earned her a trip to the jail school so be it . I wonder if they have school dances and proms there ,point is when you do stupid stuff then you live a stupid life without the nice things others enjoy. As to the mom job is irrevelant judge will say you care for the child first and find a job that matches these needs . You are in a tough spot and in reality all the help you have given is a huge gift and it dont seem like its appericated . You are allowing others to escape their responsibilities while you carry the load ,sorry but I think thats just plain stupid. Dads new wife is a stupid interfering bitch,what right does she have to release a dad of his responsibilites . LOL tell that to the judge in family court please tell me how that went I need a good laugh !!!!!!! Dad needs to man up grow a pair and stop being nooky whipped and start participating in his childs life. Mom needs to make that job and her child fit together and get some hands on time with this child . You need to step back and give your own life some priority find some happiness and give the responsibilty for this childs life to those who are responsible for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right or wrong this is my opinion you opened the door and asked for it so here it is . Life is slowly beating the nice out of me ,so this is a position I dont ever belive Ill be in . Sometimes being nice just plain sucks,most people dont deserve it.
13 years ago. Rating: 0 | |
I realize that my brother in law is out of the picture and my hubby and I are the most stable thing in my niece and nephews life. They are not he only kids we are there for. We have 2 nephews in Chicago and nieghbors children we look after, (in our on way).
I talked to the school admin today. Having them see me,(knowing that I am an involved parent and great supporter of this school system), they retracted all threats made to my niece. I have worked for the Board of Education for 10 years. I know that there have to be conciquinces.. but the admin. bullying is not going to help in this situation.
I promise I am taking care of myself.. I have to be spry to be on call for all of my loved ones.
In a family with 36 nieces and nephews 11 brothers and in laws and 12 sisters and in laws and 2 ailing parents it is a full time job... LOL...