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    I’m really, really hurt. Should I do or say anything?

    I opened Facebook to a minutes old photo of my niece, nephew, and their kids (along with other relatives) (I’ve never laid eyes on the children) riding on a kiiddy train located at a popular park here in Austin. I wasn’t told let alone invited. They live far, far away....


    How would or should I say anything? Let it go? Keep the invitation to my party in August open to them still?

    +7  Views: 518 Answers: 8 Posted: 3 months ago

    8 Answers

    Go easy. "Sure wish I could have visited with all of you when.....Looking forward to the August....."  I think this has happened to all of us jh. It feels as though someone is rubbing it in your face, I know, but don't retaliate.     :((

    jhharlan

    The proper letter is going through my mind. I’ll write it after they get back to Chicago...
    Bob/PKB

    MJ, scourge of the world.....would not surprise me.
    Whoops, this went in the wrong comment space.
    Write the letter, but think twice about sending it.
    Ducky

    Moderator
    Can't contact while they're nearby? How about a phone call instead of a letter?
    jhharlan

    How? And apparently they don’t have time for a call. This is deeper then just words. I’ve been slighted.....
    Ducky

    Moderator
    I was just thinking that a more personal kind of contact might be better but if that's impossible, I understand. Sad situation. :(
    jhharlan

    Ok, duck. You made an impact. I’ll follow your lead and write the letter verbatim. Like “looks like y’all were having fun here. Glad to know you can make it down so easily. I look forward to seeing y’all at the party so I can finally meet my great niece and nephew. That will be nice....”
    Bob/PKB

    Oh, Julie, no no no. Even I hear the hurt, anger, resentment, and bitterness in your words. Write that one for yourself, not for anyone you'd want to have speak to you again. (But, you already know that)
    jhharlan

    What do I have to lose that I don’t already not have? I don’t know that anybody who can be so blatantly hurtful would be able to read between the lines.....
    Bob/PKB

    Julie, what is the purpose of writing the letter? Make them feel bad, express your hurt, tell them off, ???
    Do you want an apology, a response at all?
    Think it through carefully.
    jhharlan

    I’ll plan letters all day long, it makes me feel not so paralyzed. I think I just want to step in where my sister failed them and make them aware of manners... I won’t do that either.... it’s just hurtful that MJ is a part of their lives and I didn’t get a personal invite to the wedding. Yeah, I smell a MJ rat....
    Bob/PKB

    It is hurtful when family members sabotage relationships (have my own version of MJ). A well written letter that expresses your hurt without laying blame is priceless. But, you could also hit them with an "apology" for some slight they've been deceived into thinking you are guilty of committing. Wasn't there some MJ shenanigans around the funeral....sorry if I'm crossing a line.
    jhharlan

    Which funeral? She had a hand in all. Didn’t go to my mom’s as I couldn’t fly w/o ID. Sister jenny said she wouldn’t fly with me anyways because I’ll probably get drunk. (Her daughter had to help her off the plane...) jenny saw to it that I never received an invitation to her son’s wedding and then went on and on about it for weeks! She was the fly in my ointment it turns out. Now I know why my family had such far fetched impressions of me. Oh, it goes on...
    Bob/PKB

    My sister, I believe, has created problems for me, as well. I actually have sent cards and letters to some of the imbeciles, but, if they do not care enough to seek the other side of the story, I am fine with that. Obviously, those people prefer to think the least of me. Whatever

    There are lots of scenarios, Julie. If this was MY family, I'd have to question the family dynamics. I have cousins who are sisters who can barely be in the same city of 500,000 together.How is/was the relationship between you and your sibling who is the parent/in law of them?


    Are you in contact with them beyond FB...calls, emails? How about the other relatives? 


    I would be hurt, too, and on Facebook would "love" their photos and comment something like, "What a fun day! I'd love to see you all if you're going to be here awhile. PLEASE call me!"  


    Sigh. I empathize with you.


     

    jhharlan

    Haven’t seen either one of them since the wedding in Chicago. I thought we got along. I have good memories from there. Guess I don’t fit in anymore now that their mom is dead. Me thinks MJ may have played a role. It’s just like her to embellish any julie stories. Guess I’ll never know...
    Bob/PKB

    Julie, sometimes "family" are just strangers connected only by blood. It is hurtful to be excluded (or not even thought of) when there are family get togethers. What I have learned from these times is that, while disappointing, these fine folks chose to exclude me. I have traveled every path to understand what prompted them to discard me. When I find myself at "fault", I write a careful letter to specifically apologize for my faux pas, which they are free to reject. If I can't find fault (and I am thorough looking for my screwups), I start the process to accept the loss. Eventually, I can actually embrace the freedom.
    Their loss, Julie. Except for your political views, you're pretty awesome.
    jhharlan

    Thank you, Bob. Family dynamics? There’s MJ and my brother. They seem to be a separate entity. My dead sister is

    Your niece and nephew may have been on a very tight schedule so they could not include everyone during this visit.


    Did the other relatives who were invited have kids too? Perhaps they thought you would be bored hanging around a bunch of rowdy kids.


     


    You mentioned that you sent an invitation to them for a party coming up in August.  They may be planning to play catch-up with you then.


     


    You also mentioned above that you have never seen their children before because they live far away.  Have they not sent you pictures?  Unless I'm missing something here, it doesn't sound as if you guys have ever had a close family bond.     Kinship does not always mean friendship.

    jhharlan

    These are my dead sister’s kids. I no longer have a roll in their lives apparently. They don’t respond to emails.

    ....please, be patient and forgiving 

    jhharlan

    Forgiving I am. I’ll get over feeling owed eventually.

    Roll with the punches JH..all the best..>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<..

    jhharlan

    I’m rolling, I’m rolling. But the urge to tell them in a way that expresses the slight they’ve alloted me is strong. Alas, it hasn’t been 24 hours yet....

    I think it may be as cb said, they may not have thought you would want to be surronded by noisy kids, I know I wouldn't.  Don't take it too personal, I do that sometimes, and then discover I've made a mistake. Keep your August celebrations open to them and everyone,  let them see your the grown up. 

    jhharlan

    That’s ridiculous, these babies were a long time coming. I like babies. It’s frustrating knowing they’ll never be aware of the damage caused. They won’t make the party. They only come here for my sister’s ex, the grandfather. Their lives are in Chicago now....
    sunnyB

    Sorry you found my answer ridiculous, just trying to be helpful.
    jhharlan

    Oh, sunny, that was worded wrong and not meant the way it sounded. No, they didn’t think and it was no kindness to be excluded. Just mean. I’m ok now, after all, I’ve got a party to administer to. Wanna come?
    sunnyB

    I would love to come Julie, but I can't afford a flight, and my over 60's bus pass won't allow me to travel that far. Glad you are feeling better about it now.

    Is there any neural member of your family? My sister told all of her relatives to F@#$ off a couple years ago. The rest of us still have a relationship! If you open any contact with a relative who is willing to let the rest of the relatives know You are interested in their lives this may help.

    jhharlan

    An idea but there pretty much all dead. I’ll face this head on and after they are no longer here (there was another Facebook post of them today happily eating burgers. Another slight. I have to deal with this by myself but thanks. ...
    terryfossil 1

    Step away from the facebook for awhile JH..you do not need to know what they are doing..kids at school go into depression due to Facebook JH,you are not a kid, turn the darn thing off..>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<..

    This goes on all the time in my family . My brother ignores me and so do his kids ......( my niece and nephew )  His wife has something to do with that. she always tried to drive a wedge between Ron and me .....and she succeeded. She even tried to drive a wedge between me and the kids!........which wasn't good for them b/c I am their aunt and they identify with me.



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