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    I just broke up my 7 year relationship...help I am broken...any good advice to stop hurting

    Okay...not sure how to close questions anymore but I think I just need to move ahead here with life. Thank you for all your care and kindness as well as the critical answers. The truth hurts sometimes and life does go on. Time to pick my sorry ass up ad move on. Thanks again and for the record we really need some way to close questions that we feel are done.

    +5  Views: 3962 Answers: 34 Posted: 7 years ago
    mat21225

    First, I realize that words are cheap and often do not resonate. However, my comments like previous voices are joined to pray and hope that your break was meant to be and that you will find new and meaning full life in the near future.

    So unfortunate that your relationship was with a person who is unable to face reality and life without consuming liquid drugs. My experience with alcoholics is considerable. Many will not recover because life scares them as does responsibility to others and to themselves. Two of these unfortunate people was my father and a Brother-in-law. I won't bore you with details, but thank God you are no longer associated with a man whose life is destructive and harmful to virtually everyone in his path.

    From your picture, you are a very attractive young lady. My guess is that you are a wonderful mother with good boys who love their Mom.

    My suggestions are two fold. First, begin thinking independently. Very difficult and will not happen overnight. But, eventually you will find strength from your innerself that will cause you to stand tall and face life without needing another party. My sister has had four marriages and has finally become the person she always wanted to be; independent, strong, responsible, God fearing, and without fear of any kind. Not that she would not like a spouse; but if that should happen, she has the faith and dependence upon God which will help her choose wisely. Should a relationship not occur, then she is prepared to live with dignity and happiness alone. Albeit, her cat is giving her great company. PS: suggest that you acquire a loving dog. Our Scotty and Westie are excellent company and loving gifts from God.

    The other suggestion is that whether or not you know the God of Abraham, begin asking Him for help and support. God loves His creation. He loves having people lean on Him. Replace your dependence on others and transfer it to the almighty - God and His Son Jesus. Don't think - just do it! Ask Him... God has great hearing and a kind heart.

    Incidentally, you have already demonstrated great strength. Raising two boys and owning a Salon is challenging and says a lot about a very nice young Mother who has a great future. Just learn to depend on God and yourself!

    God bless you and may you enjoy His peaceful and loving care.

    For reference: I am a seventy year old man with 52 years of marriage.

    mom

    Thank you so much for your strong support. I have been asking for God's help. I just feel so empty...admittedly fear is part of this as well. I never lived with my boyfriend so I have always been independent for the most part but it's the awful feeling of yet another failed relationship.I'm 42 and again alone.Looking back at past relationships, I realize that maybe there is something in me that needs to be worked on . I love my boys so much and pray that I will start to feel that comfortable safe feeling again.Being alone is not something I have enjoyed in the past so maybe time to figure out why.

    34 Answers (1-30 Displayed)

    the woods are slap damned full of boys. not many men,a real man would jump at the opportnity to be a role model for your boys. put him in the rear view mirror and stomp on the gas. the best place to find the type man you are looking for is a place where they gather weekly usually on sunday
    mom

    thankyou dwayne1716...when I feel I would be open to a relationship I will look within the church
    Dollybird

    Not all Church goers are angels, some people use religon as cover for some thing else.
    dwayne1716

    this is true dollybird but it does increase the odds
    Mom, you have given wonderful, wise, caring and compassionate answers here, people who have read your answers can tell you have a good heart. You are going to have to be strong and concentrate on the positive things that will come out of your brave decision.

    None of us like to be alone, that's how we wind up in the wrong relationships with the wrong people. You made a smart decision that you probably knew you should have made much sooner. Don't blame yourself for loving another, some people have a difficult time just trying to trust someone else. When relationships end, it's always painful or ugly, time will heal all wounds.

    I know you are a woman of faith and I know that you can always lean on God to help you through the tough times, try to remain in positive thought, when you start to feel down, take that thought captive, and you know the rest of that verse. It seems to your friends here, that you have made a smart and right decision that is best for you and your boys. Why let that get you down?

    I know that it is difficult to be alone with kids, my Mom raised 4 on her own for some years. All I can tell you is to be strong, it seems like you are already, so stick to your guns and have faith. You will be much better off in the long run, I'm sure you have made a great decision. Hope you feel better soon. Sincerely, Leeroy
    mom

    Leeroy, your such a special person...thank you. I never imagined I would come to enjoy and respect so many people that I've never met. Thank you for being who you are your answers resonate so strongly.
    leeroy

    Thank you so much mom, I agree with you it was surprising to me as well to meet online, so many kind and caring people that earnestly want to help others. It's refreshing in this day and age. I'm sure you will come out of this decision, stronger and wiser than before. I'm glad that we have a person of your caliber on this site, stay strong sister...
    soo sorry mom just when you think lifes going great, BAM you get hit with a curve ball. after seven years theres got to be some kind of love their.indeed i can't be in your shoes but my prayers are. perhaps he'll come to his sences and realize what a truely loving person you are. would you accept him back after a trama like that if so than yours is a love of true compassion. nothing i can say or any one else at that matter can undue your pain,but theres comfort in knowing that you still have two beautifull kids. you still got a family there as well as here. peace of christ be with you
    mom

    Thank you so much Daren, I have followed your answers for quite some time...this is a family here...so much appreciated when your feeling alone. You have no idea the impact your answers have on people
    Mom,

    Your two boys are much more important than your personal love life, relationships can be replaced-- if he doesn't want your boys, obviously you don't want him. There's trouble ahead in this type of relationship. The 7 years is nothing, it is experience, you 'think' you love him-- You must now put yourself first, spend more time with your boys, do things go places, soon another will pop in and say hello if you let them. You are control of your feelings, nobody else. You tell yourself to forget him and you will.. you know what to do..
    mom

    Your so right Vinny, thanks for your support
    I am SOOOO Proud OF YOU! My mom stayed in an abusive relationship when I was growing up... (abuse to herself and her kids) She was so scared to be alone. And Lke you said, She "loved" him. Her kids are there for her every need and my ex step father is a thing of the past... She is now married to my "dad" the greatest man I have ever known. Yes he is a step father but I love him with all of my heart... You are going to find happiness. And when you do your children will find in him a friend for life. As for the instant cure.. LOUD kick ass music!!!! Works like a charm.
    mom

    Thanks Jenn, I wish it was pride I was feeling right now...thanks for sharing
    you have taken the first step. bet you feel better tomorrow...
    mom

    hope so ...thankyou
    Broken hearts are slow to heal......but they do.
    I wish you well Mom. <3
    suliz

    Agreed, on both counts.
    If he cant take your sons as part and parcel of your life he really is not worth it. Stick with it girl x!
    mom

    Thankyou Maz..I have to stick with it...my kids deserve better than this.
    mom, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. For me, apparently, he did not love you. If he did, he should have accepted you and all you have around. Do not have any feelings for him. I know, I am a man. Go on with your life. You are a beautiful woman. You will have many other opportunities to meet a man who would love you as you are and with all. Cry now if you need to, but you will be better without him.
    mom

    Thats all I seem to do is cry...lol...thank you for your thoughts
    it will take time, but you did the right thing!
    try changing your environment, ie- move your furniture, paint a room, throw out stuff you don't need.
    small changes will make you feel a little removed from the past and give you a feeling of moving forward.
    after a while the momentum will gather pace and before you realise you have changed yourself, your environment and your life.
    your kids will appreciate it!

    it does get easier ;-)
    mom

    Took your advice and bagged up most of his things so he is out of my constant sight...thanks
    Just wanted to stop by and send you a cyber hug ((((mom)))) and see how you're doing. I hope you're doing at least a tiny bit better. As most have said, it will take time for the ache to go away. It's a step by step process. You will get there and your heart (no matter how badly it's breaking right now) will survive to love again ; )
    mom

    Thankyou Colleen, I really do appreciate you sending a hug...totally appreciated. I will be fine...like the cat...I always land on my feet.The support here has actually blown me away. I wish I could get on my motor bike and ride through the U.S.A. and Canada and meet everyone here that has touched my life.
    Colleen

    Moderator
    A woman of strength is to be admired :) Keep moving forward. I'm betting there's something bigger and better headed your way.
    NINJA

    ohhhh mum you ride a motorcycle cool good for you im a motorcycle rider as well have been since i was 16
    take a few rides around they always take you mind of things if only for a short time. Id give you a hug but im dirty lol
    If this man wouldn't commit to you or your boys what kept either of you in this relationship for seven years? You must have seen the writing on the wall at some point. Not being critical, just asking. Perhaps you were a convenience. Is your love for this man an obsession? "You" will not be able to answer that question truthfully. Ask those around you and listen very closely.
    mom

    Thats a good question...he came into my life after a 15 year abusive relationship with a drug addict I was terrified of. For the first time I had a kind gentle loving normal man in my life.We were on and off for the first few years but he kept coming back wanting to be more committed. He did ask me to marry him and told his family and friends as well as asked my parents for permission. About six months later it came out that he had asked me when he had consumed too much alcohol and was taken away in the moment. I should have left then but I think that I was afraid I would never find another man like him. Call it obsessed if you like, but I really love this man. Not once has he ever yelled and sworn at me , there were so many wonderful qualities that I love. It has taken me this long because I just couldn't bear letting go. I do feel selfish. Now I have added heart broken into the mix.Thanks for your answer ed shank, I do appreciate your time into it.
    I am sorry to hear that,no one wants to be alone,I am in a second marriage with whom we have a 4 yr.old,but I have two kids 10 and 14 from a previous marriage,my 14 yr.old son and my husband have their share of problems they have had many battles and it hasn't been easy,my son doesn't seem to think he has to show any respect for my husband,but I am blessed to have my parents around because they help us to intervene when things get bad,boys are protective and find it hard for another man to come and be the head honcho,if he really loves you he will do whatever it takes to make things right for you and your boys.Be patient if it's meant to be things will work themselves out,if not than there will be something better to come,but remember your boys will soon be men with lives of their own,so don't sell yourself short,because no one wants to grow old alone and you deserve to be happy too,you may not like their wives,but they will still marry who they choose.Smile :)
    mom

    I agree with you that my boys are almost men but the man I held on so tight to could not even make a commitment to our fututre either. Thank you for your support...I don't feel quite so alone with the kindness shown here
    IluvJesus

    Anytime
    Time will make it better I promise. Maybe find a professional to talk to, or maybe go on an antidepressant temporarily for situational depression. I went through an ugly divorce after a 9 year marriage, so I know how you feel. take the time to feel your feelings and work through them the best way you can. Do not give up!!! I promise if you don't do anything I've suggested here. Time will make you feel better and give you some perspective. GOOD LUCK!!!
    mom

    thanks jimmycornbread...I am going to try to continue taking one step at a time. I know this will pass, it's just such an empty devastating feeling when you are still in love with the man you let go of.
    HI mum dont be to hard on yourself you seem to be unlucky inlove and lassie(sorry my scottish patter is talking again lassie means girl there is an old saying pick yourself up and dust yourself down you have two laddies sorry "boys it alright to say that thay come first i know you love them very much but they will fly the nest some day you have a life to live not sitting at home looking at four walls love could be just around the corner my age i am lucky but the end comes to everyone and my Josie wil pick herself up live is to short go out and get a life again tam.
    mom

    Thanks dowsa...this is quite an old question and I have really moved on since. Choosing to be content on my own for now but having fun.
    I can understand what your going threw MOM, it break my heart to see you suffering like this,I wish I would know what to tell you,to comfort your heart,I away think it like climbing a mountain
    when you get on the other side,should get easier.MAY GOD KEEP YOU FOREVER SHINNING.LOL ((HUG))
    Your so very right but as I have said before to others hurting, the depth of the hurt I feel only shows the capacity of love I have to give so one day if I meet the right one , he will be a lucky man.I send my x love and light every day and do feel this is going to work out for the best...life is good...my kids are great so how could it go down from here.Than you for your comment.
    Mom...his loss. You are too good for someone who doesn't respect the fact that your boys are your life. There are some great guys out there and you'll find one. It's OK to cry and be upset so don't fight those very natural emotions. Think of the tears as a way of clearing your head of the bum. The real men in your life are your boys. They'll get you through this. Good luck!
    mom

    Coach...I love who you are through the kindness to complete strangers you show. I don't think anyone really realizes the impact they have with the answers given...thankyou
    It does hurt, and it will go on hurting for a while.

    Cling on to the thought that you did the right thing. Your boys seem to have seen this man more clearly than you, though they were too young to realise it.

    It's hard to see straight when you're in love, but a drunken proposal is not what you deserve.

    You have supportive family. Lean on them for a while... you'll find they need you one day, and you will be free to give, not all screwed up inside.

    I wish you love... one day, with the right man.
    mom

    Thank you for your kindness and yes my life is going on. I guess when you talk to someone every day and spend time for 7 years you just get used to the company. He was a good man but just not the man. I'm in no rush to look for another. I have spent many years with men that don't fit. I think it is time to do things on my own and learn to like it again.Thank you again
    i haven't read it but it really looks like it needs to be here. many of us have heart aches. i, however, really need to cancel one of my questions. i'm going to e-mail the powers that be and see if i can. good luck in all.
    Colleen

    Moderator
    As I told mom, I can delete any questions you no longer wish to have around. Let me know which one.
    the only thing that helped me were words from a crisis line counselor. she said, it just takes time, sweetie."
    "How long will it take? I asked.
    "as long as it takes," she said.
    wow ... this happened so long ago but i still kind of hear her voice in my mind. what's this about cold play ... i love that song "i will fix you."
    mom

    Thanks itsme...I am doing so much better than I was a week ago. I was trying to figure out how to cancel this question but there doesn't seem to be a way.
    Colleen

    Moderator
    mom, the only thing I can do is to delete the thread entirely. If that's what you want, I will do that. Questions can no longer just be closed.
    Hey!Mom! I haven't read all the comment or the ans.Anyway I want to tell you a little story which I think might cheer u up.It goes something like this,it about {sweet wine}{bitter wine} When your boys are all grown up and leave home,and your all alone,looking back wondering did I do alright or what went wrong?And God telling me how do you get wine? if you don't cut it from the vine?and crush the grapes,how else would you get the sweet & bitter wine?and yours is the sweeties wine I ever tasted.So this end my story,these are not my words of mouth but from my heart.{hug}LOL.
    mom

    awww thanks so much facebook. This is quite an old posting and I am much better now. I love your analogy. Can I still take the hug though;)
    facebook

    Sure can !just don't squeeze to hard,one big {HUG}
    Mom

    I had notification of a comment from you but I can't see one.

    Would you like to tell me what you said?

    I don't THINK I missed it but you did get a huge reaction.

    Few questions touch so many people so quickly.

    I hope that alone has made you feel life, and love, are not over.
    mom

    I was thanking you for your kindness. I am starting to feel the heaviness lift and see it for what it was. I have appreciated everyone's input whether it was harsh or not. The sun keeps rising which indicated clearly that life goes on.Thanks for being so kind.
    suliz

    Your comment had appeared when I took another look... site moving slowly I guess... or my computer.

    I'm glad we've helped, even if the light at the end of the tunnel did turn out to be an on-coming train in one comment :-)
    Gee mom for such a wise person you have a bad run in the relationship department . Iam surprised this guy hasnt bonded with your boys considering they were 4 and 7 when the relationship started and the drunken marriage proposal ohhhh wow thats sad and quite pathetic.You dont say what was the last straw that ended this.(as if the fake proposal wasnt enough)I assume that you 4 were living under the one roof ?if not maybe the lack of commitment stems from there?Your boys are now young men and will soon want there own independent lives and the majority of your mothering is done.(thats not to say that your roll as a mother is in anyway finished or not necessary ) So your broken heart will cause you this pain and there is no fast fix ,but i would like to remind you of the time you spent with the abusive drug using guy for 15 years and whatever pain and upset that you felt in ending that horror story was insignificant and long overdue and if you didnt get out of that mess when you did what might have happened? So by ending this relationship you are now opening up the prospect of finding happiness in the future because if you stayed together the chances are practically nil.This pain is the result of nearly every break up since the time of human kind and without it we would be a strange lot.If you think of how many times this has happened over the course of history and how many better relationships have come about from ending unsatisfactory ones.I would say most of us have had to make the same choices just under different circumstances and my guess is that it has ended in a better situation .I know this will not stop your pain for now and its hard to look into the future but you will look back at this and wonder why all the fuss and think how grateful you are to be in a better relationship .Good Luck Mom
    mom

    What an answer...kinda took me aback really. I ended the relationship because I have not been happy. I could not get over the engagement and I want my boys to feel they have a friend in the men I choose in my life. My ex husband was a disaster and left me with so many life lessons and in the end a stronger better person. This recent man showed me a gentle and kind side I had never known. Never verbally abused me or the boys and was so loving. The night he asked me to marry him, he was not falling down drunk in fact one couldn't tell he was even buzzed. I think more than anything, he suffers from commitment phobia. We never did live together because I didn't want to have men in and out of my kids home. I wanted a safe and strong home life and I have seen so many times the women have guys move in, play dad, move out leaving the kids confused and misguided as to how relationships work.I know the not living with him contradicts me but I didn't want to just play house. In the beginning he did bond with the boys but as the years past and the teen behavior grew more volatile(if you will) he pulled away from them because he was so mad at some of the things that were going on.He pulled away to a point that I felt we were separated from my kids and couldn't take that feeling anymore.I appreciate your answer very much NINJA, I have taken in every piece of advice.
    NINJA

    I can relate totally, None of the things that you have said are in anyway wrong or hard to comprehend and it seems that your motives were all well intended and that its a shame that it hasent worked out for you but i see you climbing the ladder living and learning as you go, your nearly at the top the worst is over.
    So many before me have given you great advice. I would, however, look at yourself & why you feel you aren't worthy of a good relationship. Your track record says something of how you feel about yourself. I know, because I have made the same mistake in the past. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I am now married to a very good man. I had to take a long hard look at myself after the last bad relationship (drugs, alcohol). I let SEVERAL years go by & alot of soul searching before I met my current husband & life partner. Pray about it daily & God will help you heal if you help yourself. Best wishes to you :o)
    ed shank

    Great comment Grandma, but sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is the light of an oncoming train.
    mom

    Thats a good point. I thought I was in a good one this time round. He was the first man that never abused me, he was kind and gentle, loving. I miss him terribly but life goes on. It's Monday and time to put my work face on, this is the hard part because I am an emotional mess. I know there is a light at the end of every tunnel, even if the train passes as Ed pointed out...lol. Thank you for your support and I will look at myself.
    Well friend+++++++++++with a karma of 5000++++\\\\
    you are on the way to stop hurting.To learn+++we need to teach others.


    Unlike a tree, you have legs.Start moving.Your boys come first .
    Then you have time+++for you.\\

    As you help other , you help your self
    mom

    what an awesome answer. This is an older question and I have found my legs again. As far as the karma points, they are nice but I am addicted to this sight for the reason of people like you (the kindness) and hopefully I too have and can give great advice as well. Thanks so much, you make me smile:)
    My friend just went through a break up with her boyfriend of two years and she found this site very helpful http://www.love-rekindled.com . It's got several articles on how to get over a break up and the like. Hope it helps :)
    mom

    Thanks DanielleW I am recovering quite well. I didn't leave scorned or hating so it seems a lot easier now. I appreciate your kind thought and I hope your friend is doing alright as well.
    Dear Mom, I must say reading your post was very interesting; I too spend time in a bad relationship with a man that I met while my children were just 2 and 5 years of age. We fell madly in love and married 2 years later. Long story short ..... We were married for 16 years and on one Sunny Easter morning after going to church with my son I came home and shared with my husband,"I no longer want to be in this false marriage", Of course there are to many examples to share concerning why. But I will share this - throughout our union he(the husband) would separate my children and me for example: "Lets go and get something to eat" I would say,"Well honey you know the children have not had dinner; so lets' just go to the supermarket and I'll cook for the four of us!" His response would be well we just had dinner together last night so on and so..... This went on for many years;I was a great wife and great stay at home mom therefore the bond between my children and me is strong and solid. I am certain that my husband was very upset because we are so close. That being said, he too had a son that my children and I were close with but he spent very little time with his own son from a previous marriage; and if I had not planned sleep overs for the three children I believe he would not have seen his son at all. So please please please rejoice that you have spared yourself any further heartache. God is real and good therefore your heart will heal and be ready to offer a new partner your kind love and affection. May peace be with you and boys.
    Bsugar123
    mom

    That sounds very familiar. I am starting to feel a lot better as each day passes. My life is going on.My kids are worth waiting for the right guy and if there isn't one...I think I just might be okay with that as well. Than you for sharing your story with me.
    All, will be well.
    mom

    Thanks ed shank it always is;)
    This is what I did; keep trying! My first 3 marriages were to women from Chicago, Detroit and New York while I am from the South. The first two lasted 2.5 years each while the 3rd lasted 8 years. Then "it" dawned on me; Northern women & southern men are like oil and water...they just don't mix. My 4th wife and I have been together for 22 years and yes, she is from Lousianna.

    Hope this helps
    Stgcret
    mom

    lol...I'm on an island...I will have to look to the north end. This is an old post and I am much better now. Thanks for your advice but for now I think being on my own is working quite well.


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