Bob/PKB
It's a rainy night and bowling was actually cancelled! You just got my question about having two of my adult sons living with me, and I might as well bring up what's going on with the eldest, who has the three children. ALL the kids are doing well, and the baby, who is 7 1/2 mos. old is pulling himself up and should be walking before long. The elder girl is beautiful and coming out of her shell more, and the middle child is a hoot. My son has been working, but is unable to save a dime. :( The girlfriend is my current problem. She has repeatedly shown a lack of respect and consideration for my son, my mom, and me. My mom has been more than generous in helping them have a place to live, furniture, and transportation. My son appreciates the help and is helpful in return, but she seems to think it's her due. She has a DUI conviction and no driver's license, but she pesters my son until he gives her the keys in desperation. Should she have an accident, he will be liable; a lien will take any inheritance he may have coming. "I'm not going to have an accident!" she says. Who do YOU know who gets in the car saying, "I think I'll have an accident today"???
She basically threw the Christmas gift I gave her (2 year cell phone service) back in my face, and at this point, she has pushed all my buttons and some of them twice. While I don't ever want to alienate my son or grandchildren, I sincerely don't want anything to do with her at this point. I know a leopard can't change its spots, and I don't expect her to relinquish her crown, either.
I have no intention of turning the other cheek AGAIN and I have nothing to say to her. Does anyone have a suggestion as to if and how I get past my distaste for this goblin?
13 Answers
Shootah
Best answer!
Well, first of all...she has no business jeopardizing the well being of the family with her ignoring the fact the state suspended her right to drive...plain and simple! She is not the only one who pays for her mistakes, but her family ultimately pays the price. As a mother to the children, her responsibility for her children's well being is supposed to be hers...and she is not fulfilling her obligations by illegally operating a motor vehicle of which she could be arrested and detained for doing so! She needs to be made aware of the fact that her decisions affect more than just her.
Her actions and behavior are thsose common to alcoholics, and while they are in that frame of mind, you can't reason with them...about all you can do is allow them to learn that on their own! You can't tell them anything, as I'll bet it is not twinkies she's wanting to make a run to the store for!
| 11 years ago. Rating: 21 | |
Ducky
There comes a time when "kids" have to figure out their own life and then go somewhere, all on their own, and live it......work, find an apartment, pay their bills, buy their groceries, do their laundry, clean their house, look after their babies and.....sink or swim. Can't pay the rent or any other such cries for "help", do what other adults do, kids....get a second job. ETC. If this is the woman that your son has chosen, let him live with it. He apparently isn't bothered by her attitude, or he would take care of it. Enough is enough already. Mom and grandma need to give the "kids" a deadline date, bow out, and stay out. Love them from a distance. Do you really need this daily stress?
| 11 years ago. Rating: 19 | |
No??? Duct tape...still??? Thwack...thwack...thwack (flapping, angry wings)
My sister asked me if I had yelled at the girlfriend because of the last problem we had, and I could honestly answer "No". I addressed her matter of factly, in a quiet voice that was filled with sadness. The smartass, "Go f/yourself" look she gave ME sealed the deal for OUR relationship.
FISH-O
I agree with Shootah, this woman has no business operating a vehicle. I don't want to say too much more Bobette as I fear that I will only upset you further.
My Mother would say, "This is only a test" and hold on strongly to her faith. This really works for me when times are rough.
xo Fishie
| 11 years ago. Rating: 15 | |
I gotta trust God is taking care of them. I don't see my son having a long life. :(
There is something to the "Letting Go" theory... Trust your faith.
figtree3
She is taking his kindness for weakness.
I would advise not to challenge her. Your son will ultimately protect you first. Once she realizes that she can't turn him against you, she will display hate for you both. She will only apologize if she can find no where else to go.
You can be prepared now by coming up with a few places for her and her children and suggesting them to your son, as only a loving mother such as yourself can do. It's crucial that he present the options to her! Your son needs to feel the heat that she is putting on you!
Don't let her put anything in storage either!!
She can change her spots with help. But she's not going to accept that help from any of you. You have unwittingly been adopted as her latest enablers.
Alanon has plenty of experience to draw from if any one of you want it.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 15 | |
My son tells me she is drinking a lot less. To me, that's like saying they are doing a lot less meth. ANY is TOO MUCH for an addict.
I don't put my son in the position of having to choose between us. When I talk "at" him, it is matter-of-fact, and avoid referencing her directly.
I wish he would go to Alanon. I'd be happy to take him personally. I'll suggest it, though I know he will decline. Thanks for a good idea!
Tommyh
Bob,you're just going to have to back away from it my dear.There is no win in this for you I'm sorry to say. For your own peace of mind let her make all the mistakes she wants until one comes back to bite her on the arse.The more you try to correct her the more she will defy you.It's sad that your son is in the middle but he has choices too.The saddest part is the effect of all this on the relationship with you & your grandkids.I really regret I can't say something more constructive.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 13 | |
Thanks for your input, Tommyh. I know it is straight from your heart and with friendship.
hector5559
W hat we seem to have hear ,is a failure to agree,
| 11 years ago. Rating: 11 | |
Hector, do you find something to be disagreeing ABOUT? Don't drive without a license? Don't drive when you've been drinking? Don't drive if you don't have insurance? Don't put other people in jeopardy being a self-centered, spoiled brat?
I'm sure you will resolve all these issues.If anyone can,It's you.
lambshank
I empathise with you, I think I have the daughter in law from hell, she has done her best to alienate our family from my son and our grandchildren for years, I stopped helping financially years ago as I found she spent the money on herself and my son nor my grand kids saw or knew of a cent, I made it clear a few years ago that special occasions are now only for children and send or when I can take gifts for them, (they live quite a distance away) not once in 10 years has she ever agreed to visit despite my offers of air fares, theme parks, holiday motel accommodation etc etc, I now only contact my son on his cell phone, am polite on the very rare occasion I have to see her and as I said, take gifts or personally give my grand kids money, she has just refused to spend next Christmas day with our family, knowing it may well be my last, a real piece of work, but I refuse to let her bother me
| 11 years ago. Rating: 7 | |
mycatsmom
PKB, Do you have to see her ? Can't you arrange a time by your son to see him without her there? Can you ask you son to bring over the kids when their mom is busy.......such as.when she is ......at work, or at the fitness center, or the bar , or out with her girl friends ?
| 11 years ago. Rating: 6 | |
jhharlan
robertgrist
Christmas gifts…money is the gift I prefer because it is a gift to get exactly what you want for Christmas and at a better price because you are buying at after Christmas sales prices.
The courts are great about getting drinking drivers into programs like AA. But there is also the fact that if you talk with social services about your drinking driver you may be able to divert her fines back into your account unbeknownst to your silly guzzle-girl…thus controlling the situation rather than being controlled and penalized at her insistence. Family services will work with you in support of your family.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 3 | |
My son needs to get his act together and take thenreins. She is a tyrant. He keeps his mouth shut or they would be arguing a lot. She has no respect for anyone.
bustieone
Did you say that they drink and use Meth? And they have children living with them? What a tragic situation. On the one hand, one would want to call DSS and have the kids taken, however, they would be taken into the system, and often that is worse. Too bad that her family is also dysfunctional, otherwise they could help you. You poor soul, I do not know what I would do, if it were me in your shoes... Easy to give advise, when it is not your family, I truly empathize with you. God bless you, I pray that a solution comes to this family...
| 10 years ago. Rating: 3 | |
afday61
Very difficult for you, frustrating situation.When you are in the same room and you feel that feeling of disdain for her,try to replace it with thoughts of all the good things you do in your life,and know that there are people like me and I am sure others too that are praying for you and sending you good intentions.
Take Care
| 11 years ago. Rating: 2 | |
I honestly can't be say anymore, as we differ greatly in how we would handle this. I say this, as I'm not much on letting someone pull their crap without me addressing it as such. That's just the way it is with me...I'm pretty understanding of alot, But, I don't take kindly to someone attempting to re-word what is glaringly obvious...and alcoholics will attempt to do that, by trying to change the nature of what has befell them.