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    How’s my short story?

    I’m trying my hand at creative fiction and I’m wondering if I’m any good at it. If you’re experienced in this field, I’d appreciate your opinion on my self expression. 


    THE DREAM – BY: G. April 22nd, 2012


    I am imagining both of us out for a hike on two different trails in the woods, and by chance or fate we exchange eye contact at the intersection of each of our trails. It’s a special day; on this day there will be a solar eclipse and so, for a moment in time, the bright warm sunshine will slowly dissolve until it shines no more. Then, slowly the brightness will return from the sun that was blanketed in nothingness.


    Our eye contact is as glistening as the uncovered sun. We seem to intuitively know that we are on the same wavelength. Call it; oh, it’s been called different names ever since humankind walked the earth. What do we call it? We’re not sure it even needs a name because feelings are truth and we are absolutely certain that we share the same truth.


    Now as we pass each other our shoulders touch in the slightest and lightest possible way. We both feel the electricity of magnetism and we begin dreaming thoughts of ecstasy while hiking our separate trails unaware of the knowledge that higher up the mountain there will be a second intersection where once again our eyes will exchange a trance like glance that is so mutually hypnotic to both of us.


    We don’t pass by each other this time; we simply stand gazing into each other’s souls and feel the elation of the name that has been called oh so many names throughout the ages, with much ado emphasized. We, however both know that we don’t gave to label what both of us feel because both of us have the same intuition that tonight when we each fall deep asleep in each of our beds, in each of our homes, that the feeling we experienced will smoothly penetrate our subconscious dreams. Oh and what dreams they will be. So intensely pure and vivid; so sweet and so magical that we both feel enraptured with the highest sensation of well-being we’ve both ever felt.


    Twelve hours latter we awaken, and as we morph from our heavenly dream-worlds into our refreshed selves, and we both sit on the edge of our beds and think. We think about remembering our dreams but as dreams do, they dissolve when we begin to think about them and if we haven’t thought of them, then we think that perhaps we did think about them but forgot.


    Now we’re both feeling wide and loosely awake; relaxed but alert with our minds focus swelling into sharpness and clarity. Our minds, bodies, and souls are intermeshed seamlessly and we’re both feeling connected to the whole world; the whole universe. We are in wakeful halcyon bliss.

    +1  Views: 2602 Answers: 2 Posted: 11 years ago
    eggplant

    I gather that this story is just an overview. You need to show instead of tell. Another point is not to end a story with a dream, it's a big no, no in publishing.
    Also, do away with adjectives and adverbs and use sentences with strong verbs.
    (Our eye contact) Our eyes meet,or Our eyes met. this is a better start.

    I advise you to do a course in creative writing.

    2 Answers

    Short stories are a different style of writing than for a book. I say this, as you need to start the story in the middle of an action that hooks the interest of people.


    Quit writing like you are doing a commentary on upcoming events. If you are writing first person, you need to bring it to life...touch, feeling, smell, taste, and sounds that you are experiencing.


    Look up some of the short stories by someone like Joyce Carol Oates. She is an excellent writer, and someone who has books out on short story writing. You need to study other people's styles, to see what appeals to you...and then maybe you can bring pieces of what appeals to you, and combine them to bring out your own style.


    Don't be afraid to use metaphor and similes, as they can bring so much to a story, if done right. But be careful to use them correctly


    You should seriously consider taking a college course on short story writing though. It will bring you in contact with people who have similar interests, and some of them will be fairly good. In the end, you will have found that you all will have learned a little something from everyone involved.


    Good luck!

    lindilou

    First person will definitely make this more appealing but I'm a sucker for the rawness of a new writer and the ways they mature over time and experience ! I still enjoy some of the little books my children wrote for me as elementary students...realism through a childs' eyes....love your good advice! Peace.

    Check your punctuation...change your title to Subterranean Dream....a lovely concept...here is your grade...""

    lindilou

    I'm getting paid,, ain't I? Now selling it?...that's a whole other ball game Umbriel!! I would suggest the potential writer be led to Stephen Kings' essays on writing horror stories, mystery, and all else as he was influenced by the major writers and film producers of his youth...like Orwell, Hitchcock, and Arthur C. Clark. In my mind if one is to write a fictional work a look to the classics and historical research are in order. I on the other hand prefer reading: studies from a variety of venues;research papers and the like; and the writings of such as Daniel J. Boorstin or Roshi Kapleau and I thoroughly enjoy Judi Krishnamurtis' work as well. If I am to fill my mind with something I prefer it be with something of merit! Although I do get that fictional/fantasia is worth gazillions of bucks (just ask J.K. Rowling(s)) For the most part I think it best left in the lavatory...er rather..the reading room!! :)


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