Fighting every sec. of my life...

    i'm married to a wonderful husband who wants me to stay mute infront of him... its been 13 yrs of struggle... been physically abused...also told to take as much money/property i want and leave him... he has tried everything possible to show that he doesnt care... by ignoring me... ignoring means when he walks in the door at 11pm daily and not looking at me, not sitting next to me, not sharing bed with me, also not talking with me at all... ofcourse when he comes that late who would love to talk :p i have kids and thats whom i care about and i dont want to separate... but tell you the truth i packed his bags couple of weeks ago and told him to leave... and everytime i talk about separation/divorce or ask him to go he begs me to start over again... now i dont understand how many times i need to give him a chance... i am literally fed up of him now... i found out sms of love on his phone, caught him several times .. he is a liar... says straight on my face that yes, he has affairs, he lies, he doesnt care what i think about him, and that he doesnt like to see my face thats why he likes to stay away from home as much as possible...i called an attorney last week for filing a separation and he begged not to take this step... i feel like i will not get out of this until i actually pack my bags and leave :(

    0  Views: 1331 Answers: 12 Posted: 12 years ago

    You have given it 13 years. Time to move on and find someone who will love you and treat you with respect. I grew up in a home such as you describe. it came to an end after 48 years of the same struggle you describe when my dad finally died, my Mom died 4 years later never knowing what a real loving relatinship was.

    12 Answers

    mscutiepiez, I'm sorry you are in this situation. While I hear in your words that you know what to do, it seems that you are somehow in conflict over taking the step of leaving. Where does that come from? If you have a network of people that care about you, let them in on the problem, and allow them to help you feel more empowered. Nobody should live like you are living! Any change can be scary, right? What is the worst that can happen from being afraid of making this change? You will have a period of time in which you will feel like a boat without a rudder. But the world is yours for the taking! Reinvent yourself, and begin leading a life in which you are given positive messages about yourself, and where you do kind things for yourself. I, myself, found myself in a similar situation two years ago. I left, and I was terrified. For three months, I was gone, and my children were angry with me (although they are grown men). My husband wasn't cheating, and he wasn't ignoring me; but he was verbally abusive and hurtful. In my case, I went back. Things aren't perfect for me, but I realized while I was gone that my husband was unwell. I chose to go back and be helpful to him, and to love him as we worked through our issues. You may never go back; in fact, I don't think you should - your circumstances are different. But I tell you this because those were the scariest months of my life. it was like the world had dropped out from under my feet. During that separation, however, I learned a lot about myself. I found out I was actually worthwhile; I made new friends that supported me through it. I worked as a substitute teacher during that time, and remembered how skilled I was as a teacher. I found new energy and a sense of well-being over time. You can move on, and weather the scary time that it takes you to find your footing. I normally would not make such a bold statement to a stranger like this, but I think it is time to take that leap of faith and move on.

    why in the world are you still with him?

    why would you want someone, who dosen't want you? Get out before something happens to you or your children, sounds like he wants to be in charge of everything. He says go and it's ok, you say go and he wants you to give him another chance! something wrong with this picture.
    If you are scared of being alone, guess what? you are already alone. Life is so short and our children are only with us for a certain amount of time for us to, teach them to be strong responsible adults. This situation can only hurt them. Verbal abuse and physical abuse only teaches children it's ok to hurt people no matter who they are. Please seek help, for yourself.

    What would it take for you to get him out of your life so that you can move on and have a life of your own? He is not worth it let him go and move on.

    Get out now, before it's too late. If you are leaving do not tell him, go when he is at work. Sometimes if you tell them, they may harm you or your children. Don't tell him anything at all. Listen to mom, take her advice, love. Before you go, have a place to go. A place where you'll be safe.
    Cut your losses and get the heck away from this person, you know what you have to do so do it.

    I want to tell you my story of failed marriage and success on my own. I was married 15 years to a drug dependant, angry man. When I met him I was on a self destruct road myself and being so dysfunctional, I attracted that into my life.I was petrified of his mood swings, yelling , smashing the fists around, threats,constantly driving who I was into the ground. That's part of how he controlled me, I was made to feel like I was nothing.His family knew what was going on but ignored my cries for support and my family lived 300 miles away.He became abusive to my boys and kept us all very terrified of him. It wasn't always bad, he had his times where he could be gentle and loving but there was so much dysfunction everywhere. We fought all the time and the kids grew up thinking this was the way that families were. My boys started to repeat things their father would say to me when they were angry at me. I could clearly see that they were learning what they live. My husband was spiralling down in a world of drugs, disappearing until three, four in the morning.We started having collection agencies after us but he would swear he paid the bills. Everything was falling in around us. I had a salon in the home and was able to continue to work and try to pay some of the debt but not able to keep up. My husband was on a disability pension and had more than enough income to support us but it was all going somewhere else.I knew I had to leave but I knew even though I had the kids I would have to walk away with almost nothing.It wasn't the want for material things...none of that was the want for freedom and safety for my children.For three months we had to hide in and out of shelters and peoples houses as he was threatening to kill me. It was the most terrifying time in our lives.I had to involve the police and have restraining and no contact orders put on him but it didn't help. I knew he was not going to stop until he was behind bars, there was no light in the tunnel for me at that time.Eventually I did get us settled into our own home and somehow got my salon running well enough to pay the bills.My ex finally dispeared and gave us time to find ground again. We started with nothing, no one for support really, but we did it. I look back at all the craziness and oddly realize that I am grateful for what happened. I am so much stronger as a person and know I would never accept less in my life. I am not the shell of a woman that I was then. I have succeeded and become what I at one time could have never imagined. I have even managed to let go of the resentment for my ex and after seven years, I feel sympathy for him.Please know that as a mother you have a strength in you that no matter what you will do well. There is no right time to leave an abusive is just time. Remember that your kids are taking in everything that goes on in your home and it is damaging their spirit as well as yours. Life is waiting...grab and go. Not only you need this but your children need to lose the dysfunction that is sadly normal to them.

    Next time he hits you call the police and have him hauled out then file a restraining order through the court sys. and file for divorce and child custody. Make him pay child support and alimony. You have to stick with it and don't drop anything or take him back. If your not strong enough or care about what your kids are seeing don't start.

    TAKE THE STEP!!!!!

    Thank you all for your response....actually i am getting ready for it.. trying to complete my 2 year degree and then i am out of here. i want to take a stand before even taking kids and walking out...and yes Amy, Bugs , Butter i have become so strong that i stand face 2 face and say all this... once who smacked my face, for just talking back to him or even asking him to care(spend time) for his own kids :( ... i got him arrested last year for physically abusing me... he actually punched my face infront of my youngest child who got scared and started to hit him back by saying i hate you dad... the reason was my car broke down and i called him for help and he refused to come and i walked my 4 year child for miles to come back home... as he didnt give me money even so i could call a cab ...unfortunately i couldnt get help from someone :( and he beat me up coz i was upset on this... so i got a protection order for 6 months ...and eversince he just begs not to take any step...

    Fear no Evil... Do everything you can, to stand up and not be fearful. once you learn this, Nothing will stand in your way. You deserve to be loved and love back. When you learn not to fear anything like this, he will hate you, and you will have to be stronger. He is not a happy person and you are going to be happy when you move on.. God speed and I wish you well...

    youre a stupid woman. im disappointed to be the same sex as you. you have no freakin back bone i dont know of any woman thats ever put upp with that kinda crap i wouldve beat his ass and left him years ago. as for the kids its not benefirtting them at all if they have to watch all this happen. i cant even believe what i just read. are you slow?? like legit..


    You sound like a very strong spirited lady...a bit harsh but true in many ways. Good on you for being who you are...not everyone has that inner strength.

    Are you telling the truth?

    Top contributors in Uncategorized category

    Answers: 18061 / Questions: 154
    Karma: 1101K
    Answers: 47271 / Questions: 115
    Karma: 953K
    country bumpkin
    Answers: 11322 / Questions: 160
    Karma: 838K
    Answers: 2392 / Questions: 30
    Karma: 760K
    > Top contributors chart

    Unanswered Questions

    Answers: 0 Views: 0 Rating: 0
    > More questions...