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    why is my soon to be ex-wife denying she was having an affair?

    Dear all. My Beautiful wife/girlfriend suddenly left me after 23 years last June.She had been spending many extra hours at work,getting loads of txt msgs and going in on her days off. She also started lots of "courses", ie going away a lot. She is now with her boss. Why can't she admit she was just having an affair? I do not want to sue him for divorce, just want the truth for me, our kids, and my parents. He has left 3 kids under 12, and been married twice, is fat, bald and (in my opinon) very ugly....he looks at least 55. We used to laugh at men like this!!! Please help.

    +1  Views: 4711 Answers: 18 Posted: 8 years ago
    Tags: divorce
    Lyocco

    She will not admit that she has caused the heartache for yourself and her children. She is attempting to cover up the shame that she is really feeling now or will be feeling in the future when she finally realizes the mistake she has made. She made need some time to talk about her problems if she is willing to discuss them at all. She may need time to sort out her feelings. All is not lost maybe. If you still feel love for her attempt to discuss her reasons for her actions and also find a qualified family therapist to discuss your situation.

    papermoon

    Maybe she is ashamed of her loose morals,in my opinion you sound as though you deserve better and I am sure you will find it.Hope you have moved on when she comes begging at your door.

    18 Answers

    I have learned that in a lot of cases of this sort you will never get an answer that is truthful nor what you want to hear. You have to learn to let it go and move on with your life. Do not stay stuck in this and waste anymore of your life. I know it hurts. I know it is bad. But with people that do people that way you never ever get answers from them or truthful ones anyway. You just have to learn to let it go. I am so very sorry and wish I had a better answer for you, but that is what I have learned in life.

    psyco mum

    Darci13 Very true!

    My friend you have to restart your life,look forward live the pass on the pass.

    Before you divorce her, ask yourself; do I seriously like and care for this individual. Then ponder what I've stated in my previous answer. Then ask yourself and her about your desire to have children "with one another" and how such potential continued behavior might effect them. Then step back away from the pain and hurt far enough to realize the truth of the situation, then decide to divorce or not. If you do, keep these experiences in mind when seeking another life partner, because your current wife is not a rare or unique individual, but rater just one of millions of females trying to find their way at this time in our human evolution. Realize, that from an evolutionary standpoint, woman have not ever experienced this higher level of social freedom and sense of empowerment, as man have. So we must allow them to adjust or realize the actual limitations of their new found freedoms and or liberties. As with children, who see things through young enthusiastic eyes, everything will seem larger, grander, and more exciting, until time has past and they can look back upon the events of their lives with a more realistic perspective. Raising our son’s and daughter’s to a higher level of social enlightenment, without threatening them, is the challenge that we face.

    My friend, I also have walked in your shoes. I choose to stay with my wife, because we had children that we both loved very much. What I have learned is that the influence of the natural chemistry within both male and female beings creates much of the natural sexual desire that we all feel for the opposite sex, and in some cases, for the same sex. This highly persuasive hormonal influence often causes people to move in that direction of attraction without themselves really consciously knowing exactly why this is happening. Many males and females alike confuse this natural desire with admiration or love, when in fact it is simply pheromones and or hormones triggering this very real reaction within them, as they closely interact with certain other people. More often than not, this is a one way experience. But in some cases where both people become aware of this reaction they ultimately react to it. This condition is greatly compounded by a commercialized society that uses sexually suggestive material to sell product or entertainment. This only serves to confuse people further from a civilized social standpoint, causing many people to consider that affairs are normal and acceptable behavior, when it is actually quite costly and destabilizing to our civility, as a society. Children, more often than not, being the one's most negatively affected, because their sense of security and stability has been brought into question. Though we were created this way to insure the propagation of our species, we have since evolved to the high level of conscious awareness, as to being able to understand and grasp such realities, thus we can now, as a society move beyond our sexual focus and begin to better appreciate the reasoning behind the actual creation of our physical lives, which was to enhance the very quality of our spiritual existence. Another wards, you need to see your life beyond your wife, for her body is her own, as is yours. If you have children think of them together, without anger and animosity. And find satisfaction and admiration in the spiritual love that brought you here. Share your heart with those who enjoy it, and not with those that do not appreciate it. Do not intentionally shun your wife, for she might come to better respect and understand you someday, but do not continue to freely give of yourself to her, as you naturally did when you thought she was as considerate of you, as you were of her. Men must also ask themselves if they are being as attentive to their wife’s, because of who they are, or because of what they desire of her sexually. If it is more often than not, the latter. Then such men need to realize that their wives also can sense this lack of respect for them, as individuals. The great spirits that created all this were aware of these human struggles that would come, but also knew that with their help, we would rise above it. Try to avoid feeling hurt or belittled by this event, for we are very much above such things. Never loose sight of your joy, for in spite of everything...we are alive!!! We need to reach out to one another socially, beyond our "reproductive desires." For this is animalistic and primitive, which is what keeps us from discovering our creators. As such, their ultimate agenda, is for us to discover this truth, for that will complete the intention behind this creation, and then actual peace and joy will suddenly appear, as greed, lust, and self-servedness fade away. Peace and love are in you my friend! Simply smile and enjoy life's wondrous moments, while looking beyond the limitations of your maleness.

    we all become victims of the life we choose,perhaps it is better to accept the things we can not change, and the wisdom to know the difference

    serendipity_07

    hey friend of bills eh??? so am i run an online group daily... of your interested

    Why should you care at this point . . . walk away don't look back.

    First, of all my sympathy is with you. You need to sit down your wife/girlfriend and confront her straight on. Watch her eyes. If she looks down when you tell her you know she is being unfaithful, this is a good clue she is not being totally honest if she denies it. Second, you need to consider that she is not having an affair. You really have no hard evidence that she is seeing him. It is all circumstantial evidence as of now. If it is important for you to know the truth and you do not believe her if she denies it, consider hiring a private detective or using reverse psychiatry and tell her you have been seeing someone else. Be sure you tell someone you both trust that you are not cheating before you try to coax the truth out of her so she can verify that you only said this because of your concerns with her loyalty.
    Last, if she ended the relationship, it probably is over. You have to accept this unconditionally b/c we have no control over anyone except ourselves. You might just have to accept this and move on and continue living your life with out her.

    She knows what she did and it would addmit guilt if she looked you in the eye and told you the truth so by not addmitting it to you she is just freeing herself of guilt. The fat ugly man wont last long, i know thats not much of a consolation to you. There is good and bad karma and your wife has sealed her own fate.
    Continue to be a good person and lavish it on someone who deserves it.

    I KNOW WHAT U ARE GOING THRU I DIVORCED MY HUSBAND IN 2006 HE WAS CHEATING ON ME WITH SEVERAL DIFFERENT WOMEN WE HAVE 2 SONS TOGETHER AND EVEN AFTER THE WOMAN CALLS HIS CELL PHONE AND I ANSWER AND AFTER MY OWN BROTHER SAW THEM HE WOULD NOT ADMIT TO IT HE RECENTLY MARRIED ONE OF THEM AND I JUST FOUND OUT ONE OF THEM HAS A SON THAT IS THE SAME AGE AS OUR YOUNGEST SO I HAVE MY PROOF NOW IT WILL COME OUT I TRIED TO PROVE IT WHILE WE WERE MARRIED BECAUSE HE PUT ME THROUGH IT AND I WAS GOING TO SUE ALL OF THEM AND GET ALAMONY FROM HIM BUT MY LAWYER SAID IF U CANT PROVE IT U CANT DO A THING HE WAS CHEATING ON ME THROUGH 2 PREGNANCIES AND WE LOST OUR YOUNGEST SON TO PNEUMONIA WHEN HE WAS 3 MONTHS OLD WE WERE SEPERATED DURING MY THIRD PREGNANCY AFTER THE CHILD DIED I THOUGHT HE WOULD STRAIGHTEN UP BUT HE NEVER DID AND STILL HASNT HE TOLD HIS NEW WIFE WE DIVORCED BECAUSE WE LOST OUR SON THAT HE NEVER CHEATED ON ME I HAVE LEFT HIM ALONE MY 2 SONS REFUSE TO SEE HIM GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE U SOUND WONDERFUL WISH U WERE MINE I HATE DRAMA I LOVE SIMPLE THINGS U SOUND LIKE A WONDERFUL FATHER AND U SOUND LIKE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND I KNOW U STILL LOVE YOUR WIFE BUT SHE WILL PROBABLY NEVER ADMIT TO IT CHEATERS THINK IN THEIR MIND THAT IF THAT DONT ADMIT TO IT ITS NOT HAPPENING EVEN WHILE THEY CHEAT MY PASTOR TOLD ME THAT IT HURT ME SO BAD IT HAS BEEN 5 YEARS AND I HAVENT EVEN BEEN ON A DATE DONT DO THAT GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE BELIEVE ME SHE WILL AND ALSO WATCH HER BECAUSE PEOPLE THAT CHEAT THAT HAVE CHILDREN DO NOT CARE MUCH FOR THE CHILDRENS FEELINGS I DONT CARE WHAT THEY SAY IF THEY DID THEY WOULDNT DO IT BECAUSE DIVORCE IS HELL ON CHILDREN BLESS THEIR LITTLE HEARTS THEY NEVER GET OVER IT THEY ARE NEVER THE SAME AND IF SHE CARED FOR THE CHILDREN AND WANTED OUT OF THE MARRIAGE SHE WOULD HAVE JUST LEFT NOT BROUGHT ANOTHER MAN INTO IT TO HURT EVERYBODY=I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS I WILL PRAY FOR U AND YOUR CHILDREN

    I'm sorry this has happened to you, first of all. I imagine that your ex either is ashamed of her behavior, or afraid of repercussions that may or may not come from full disclosure. In either case, it seems based on what you have said, that she was indeed having an affair all along. But, will having her admit to it make you feel better? Do you want the details that will perhaps haunt you? If she is gone, and with another person, then knowing the truth about her past behavior is most likely not helpful. In fact, the more I think about it, withholding this information from you may be one way of her showing you just how little she cares about what you think, and it may give her pleasure to never tell you.
    Women are taught in most cultures that it is more understandable for men to cheat than it is for a woman to cheat. I don't know why this is. I would venture to say she has lots of reasons for not telling you, and she may not even be aware of all the reasons herself.
    You probably didn't deserve what happened to you - nobody does deserve to be treated in such a way. Don't let her bad behavior determine your outlook on life, and how you see yourself. Keep positive whenever you can, so that the good women out there will be drawn to you, and then you will have a chance to move on with someone better, if you choose.
    Best of luck, and may good things come your way.

    bc if she admits it she can,t make it your fault , she could be denied what she is seeking in divorce settlement

    The way i see this - in the first place what was her reason for leaving you in any event that she gave to you.


    Secondly as you say you suspect her of having an affair and she won't admit to it. (I can imagine how painful it must be for you, excuse me for saying so). However if you was to prove that she is having an affair with this person, without being maliciously untruthful in a divorce proceeding. Then your rights within the divorce would have stronger values than hers. It seems a pity that you give up so easily when you have been together for such a long time and you have also to remember about the well being and care of your children, surely that gives you the determination to fight for your rights predominantly within the divorce. All the best.

    just a minute , whats wrong with being bald? I mean thats not a reason to demean the guy. Maybe having an affair with a married woman or being overweight, but being bald? Thats not his fault. and lets not forget. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of at least the last 25 years, is completely bald.

    Maybe she did not have an affair.

    i am in a very similar situation and HE wont own up either... warm hugs to you ...i can relate..

    how much of this can you really take , dont ask her anything she will just lie anyway

    iamthemac

    Thanks to all for your kind words. Means an awful lot :)

    i bet she is just feeling guilty about it and in a way might not rlly love you, she proberly thought she did when she married you. but if she cant even admit it to you now that it is over then i think she is a bitch, to be frank with you, and as for her leaving her kids behind just gives you extra proof of that. i can't comprehend how anyone could even think of leaving their kids, surely he isn't that good.


    i think you should move on with your life and make the most off being single. :)

    Look sometimes people just change or grow in different direction. IF you still love her and want her back STOP BEING A SCHMUCK If you are one at all, Do not complain. Do not argue, BE NICE no matter what! Act like you are not upset or bothered because that only justifies cheating in her mind.


    IF you are wrong and she is not cheating, try joining in with her on a new hobby try golf, boating, bowling, pool, anything you both talked of or used to do. Take a class or a trip together to someplace fun, not romantic because having fun together will lead to romance and she will not feel all you wanted was sex. Re enact the 1st date you had or the best date you had or if she has a non sexual fantasy like going up in a balloon or going to some exotic place, make it come true. Be an active part of her life not just a guy she comes home to and argues with all the time or humps once every 3 months.


    IF she is cheating, there are lots of reasons people cheat. they could be morally bankrupt or just bored or seeing something they were not getting from who they married. The reason does not matter except to you as education so if you became boring, non caring smelly or whatever the reason, that you can see it and change what you did IF it was you and it may very well not have been. It could also be simply that new is exciting and she wanted to feel that excitement or it could be money. My ex married my bosses son after starting her affair with him while I was in the army. I was friends with his other brother and for that reason we saw him around quite a bit while we were dating, and she used to say how fat stupid ugly and crude he was and how she could not understand why his girlfriend would go out with him. One day the fact he had a ton of money from his father business and would inherit it she zoomed in on him like a rat on cheese. Pops died fat boy got rich, fat boy lost it all, she divorced him and married an 84 year old guy for his money. My advice is look at what happened to you deeply. If it was your fault even a little, learn from your mistakes and forget her. Move on and be happy. It's not easy but can be done and trust me there are a lot of women out there it just takes time but beware scammers who will try to zero in on you and drain you financially. If you don't find a woman here look overseas you can find younger beautiful women who will treat you like a king and honestly love you BUT AGAIN beware of scammers who also live overseas NEVER EVER SEND MONEY to anyone regardless of their hard luck story. The main thing is to get back into dating as soon as you can or at least to find a woman to write to. Just don't cry about your ex or even talk about her. Just be a good guy and treat any woman you meet with respect ansd kindness. do not use them and do not allow them to use you and put your past behind you. Find some hobbies where you may meet a woman, anything from golf to bowling can help you have fun and meet people who enjoy the same hobbies you like. Just have fun and don't let her get to you.

    Good luck



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