Rushie54
Ok it's joke time. You can tell any joke you like. Please try not to be offensive or offended. It's only a bit of fun to get you all going. Any joke on any subject. Open up people if you are easily offended then don't click on this.
28 Answers
digger
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
| 12 years ago. Rating: 12 | |
Dollybird
A little boy goes to his father and asks, Daddy, how was I born?The father answers,Well son I gusee one day, you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got togeather, in a chat room in Yahoo. Then I set up a date v e-mail with ur Mom, and we met in a Cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreeded to download from my hard drive.As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered, that neither one of us had used Firewalls, and since it was to late to hit the delete button. Nine months later,a little Pop-Up appeared that said,You got Male.
| 13 years ago. Rating: 11 | |
One evening Mildred age 87 waunders into garden. They began to chat, and before they know it several hours have passed. After short lull in converstation,Harold turns to Mildred and asks, Do you know what I miss most of all? She asks, what? Sex,he replies.Mildred exclaims, why you old fart, you could not get it up, if I held a gun to your head.I know Harold replys,but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.Well I can obliige says Mildred, who unzipps his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.Afterwords they agree to meet secretly each night in garden, where they would sit and talk, and Mildred would hold Harolds manhood.
Then one night, Harold didnot show up,at there usuall meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold, and make sure he was ok. She walked around the Home, there she found him sitting by the pool, with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harolds manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, Your two timing son-of - Bitch, what does Ethel hv that I dont have? Old Harold smiled happly and replyed, Parkinsons.!
| 13 years ago. Rating: 11 | |
daren1
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways .
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle.'
| 12 years ago. Rating: 10 | |
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, OK” You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my Cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, “He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE lawyers?
| 12 years ago. Rating: 9 | |
A woman walks into a bar,puts her head up high,and gets the barmans attention. As she does, one can see good clump of hair under her arm. The next time she comes up, a guy at counter, who is drunk says,A drink for the Ballerina, This happens again, and the next time also. The barman asks, why you call her that? Well anyone that can lift her leg that high, must be a Ballerina.
| 12 years ago. Rating: 9 | |
mom
A group of four women partake in a group session with a psychiatrist and after a few minutes of discussion the psychiatrist tells them he has discovered they all have an obsession. To the first lady he says..."you are addicted to food...you have named your child Candy". To the second lady he says..."you are addicted to money...you named your child Penny". To the third one he says ..."you are addicted to alcohol...you named your child Brandy" and before he could get to the fourth one, she stood up and said " That's enough of this...common Dick...lets go get Willie and Peter and get out of here."
| 13 years ago. Rating: 9 | |
eggplant
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab centre that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
| 12 years ago. Rating: 8 | |
dad59
| 13 years ago. Rating: 8 | |
Grit Savage
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
| 13 years ago. Rating: 8 | |
varon
K ids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math mult iplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________ < /P>
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say pr ayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEA CHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
| 12 years ago. Rating: 7 | |
Dardaigh
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
| 11 years ago. Rating: 6 | |
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her She immediately
moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for
himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady
got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and
I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's
Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your
Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ...
I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
| 11 years ago. Rating: 6 | |
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. I just got a train load of Trinis!
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge- hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
| 12 years ago. Rating: 5 | |
TSC
Ms Sinclair
Is It Better To Be A Jock Or A Nerd?
The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'd make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
However...
... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 4 | |
A man was sipping on glass of Whisky, while sitting on patio with his wife, and he says. I love you so much. I dont know if I could ever live with out you ? His wife asks, Is that you or the whiskey talking? He replys, Its me, Im talking to the Whisky.
........................
Searcing these key words on Google. How to tackle your wife ? Google search result, Good day Sir, even we are searching.
.........................
Whisky is a brillant invention. One double, and you are single again.
.............................
No man can ever be satisfied with four things in life, (1) Mobile (2) Automoible (3) TV (4) Wife.
Because there is always a better model in next neighbourhood.
............................
| 11 years ago. Rating: 3 | |
kj726
hector5559
zorro
Rushie54
Ok you are taking too long I guess I will have to start you off.
A guy approached the seats on the 18th hole at the golf open finals. He finds his seat. There is an empty seat between him and another guy. He turns to the guy and says what mug would not be sitting here right now. The guy answers by saying my wife and I have been coming here for years but unfortunately she passed away. Oh sorry couldn't you have sold the seat or given it to family or friends? I thought about that but they are all at the wife's funeral.
| 13 years ago. Rating: 2 | |
How To Identify Students
When the professor walks into the class and says good morning....
* If the students say good morning back, they are Freshmen.
* If the students put their newspapers down and open their books, they are Sophomores.
* If they look up so they can see the professor over the tops of the newspapers, they are Juniors.
* If they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they are Seniors.
* If they write it down, they are Graduate students.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 1 | |
Anthar
