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    I miss my Mom so much but can't see her because she hurts me with her comments, words, actions, and non actions. Condescending, belittlin, guilt and disdain. I have had many tries to do better with her saying she is sorry and then turns right around and cut me to the core all over again, and worse seeming like she gets off on my pain. How can I move on with my life and not feel regret?

    It finally came to my Dorctor issuing an order to stay away for two and a half month. About three weeks into this time away she breaks her leg , has surgery and goes to a rehab ctr for the next month. She came home a week ago. The doctors order is up in a week or so. I feel so many things. Simply devastated, because she has continued to wield her evilness on me from the rehab ctr and even this week at home. II had a severe Stroke and am still recovering, years now and moved to be near hear her in the last few years for her failing health. I go to her house a mile away and cook, clean, shop, entertain, theater, set up parties for her,schlep, and do and do and do, putting all my own basic care for my self, home not just on the shelf but out the back door and into the next galaxy. My niece is helping her this week and at the end of the third day was herself at her wits end. Mom has millions literally and can pay for care but she and her husband have not taken that move to hire out for help. She does have a house cleaner 4 hrs a week yet I must clean up the house before the maid comes. After taking her to the movies and fixing a fast meal so I could then take her to bible study that night at 6pm I put just a few drops of soy sauce on her noodle and vegi bowl. She protested for more soy and I added few more drops saying we were all trying to cut the salt in our diets. She yelled ELDER ABUSE, ELDER ABUSE. I calmly walked back over to her and said that was uncalled for and unwarranted. We finished eating and I drove her to bible study making arrangements for another study goer to drive her home. Then I went to the doctor 2 days later. I did visit her in hospital after leg break and also at rehab ctr once , called on Mothers day and here I am. Still distraught. We have been through this time and again but I always feel so unloved unwanted, not good enough, that I am never up to par all the while doing above and beyond for her enduring the verbal and emotional and mental abuse from her. I have been in tears most of the two months now with a few days doing much of the things I love like re-potting plants and organizing closets. I don't want to have this remaining time be bad but not wanting to have regret after the inevitable loss upon a death. Hers or mine. Do I suck it up endure the abuse and get over it again again again or maybe a distanced relationship like just phone calls and still have some what of a relationship with her. I am in so much pain. Missing the love I crave from her although as sick as it is for me to crave a mother that undermines and shows indifference and with holds her compassion. I feels like an abused significant other, battered partner. But, I am a daughter seeking to love and honor a mother and be loved by a Mother. My Mother. I know I must be sure to love and honor myself as well. Please let the light in. It is so dark in here. Any help is gratefully hoped for. Hope is a good thing. Love and thank you.

    +4  Views: 1997 Answers: 13 Posted: 13 years ago

    13 Answers

    I would move to another state and keep her at a distance, I understand wanting to have a good/healthy relationship with family members, but not when it causes you all of this emotional pain and stress. You can't change another person who doesn't want to change and it gets more difficult to change the older we get.

    You can be a trooper and stick in there, but understand that you aren't responsible for anyone's happiness except for your own. If being close to your mom is to much then you need to make yourself happy again even if it means relocating. People who act like your mother use manipulation to control others, if sure if you think about it you will see this is the case.

    It's a difficult thing to do, but you may have to think about yourself for a change instead of everyone else. That won't make you a bad person, but it will probably make you a happier one. Hope this helps, keep praying for her and ask God to show you what to do.

    I would suggest a book form Joel Osteen,"Becoming a better You.
    The Bible says to honor a mother but a mother has to deserve honor. You have done all you can just realize she is not going to change and accept that and do for your family the best you can and say your mom taught you how to do that.
    ncstuart

    I always say something very similar: you only have to honor your parents if they love and honor you.
    ncstuart

    I always say something very similar: you only have to honor your parents if they love and honor you.
    Just tell her ahead of time, you're going to leave as soon as she starts that up. Then follow thru with it. If you do it enuff times, she'll catch on. Keep giving her a chance.
    My step-daughter's mother was that way . When Alida would go to see her, and her mother would start in on her, she's just pick up the baby and leave.
    It is time to become your own mother. Learn to nurture yourself, identify your positive behaviors and traits, speak kindly to yourself quietly or in your mind. Picture yourself as lovable, and good and kind even if your warped mother was UNABLE to love. It was not you she could not love, but herself. She was bitter and struck out at others to push them away. Recreate yourself honey. Create a loving mother always available inside. I did all of these things to lessen the hurt from my mother with about 90% success.
    Blessings.Nancy
    correction >>> she'd say '' I don't want to hear it'' And pick up the baby and leave
    Darling do not continue to be a victim. Those sorts of people feed off making you sad. It's best to stay away from her. Leave her alone. She must be a very insecure person. Most likely something has happened to her when she was young. Don't let her ruin your life. Sometimes love is not enough. Move on, there are some nice people in the world.

    I had to basically divorce myself from my mother many years ago. I had no contact with her for about three years. I invited her over for dinner one night with the stipulation that if she started the same shit she would have to leave. She behaved from that point on and we eventually had a "normal" relationship.
    There comes a time in life when even those you love the most keep hurting you again and again, that you just have to let them go, stay away from them not have contact with them. Only you can decide I know you love your Mom, but it comes down to how much more pain can you allow her to bring into your life anymore? I had to learn and am still learning how to not be a door mat anymore for my "family". I call that when someone uses, abuses either physcially verbally or both toxic to you and you have to separate yourself from the toxic people in your life.
    I had a neighbor with a similar experience,she was caring for her ailing mother and at the same time trying to take care of herself she is in her sixties,her mother would nag her to death and complain, get mad and ram her wheelchair into her cabinets and appliances on purpose.Her mother has passed on recently and she is alone and misses her a great deal,distance yourself when needed,don't allow yourself to be overly stressed out.I always tell myself sometimes you have to accept the way someone is for who they are.Although my mom is loud and irritating I cant imagine my life without her,she's always been my strength,and she's never turned her back on me,tomorrow is never promised.Sometimes you have to make the best out of a bad situation.I wish you all the best.God bless you!
    You dear lady! I so hope that with all this advice that you will find what works for you and your situation! Good luck! (hug)
    Thank you for your insightful , confirming and comforting responses. I have no children perhaps unconsciously breaking the cycle. I will stand tall for Love, Truth and Kindness.
    leeroy

    Check back into the site tomorrow, I'm sure there will be some more helpful advice, you know that sometimes our rewards are in heaven not here on earth. I think it's a brave thing you are doing just pray for God to give you the strength that you need.

    Hopefully you have some close friends that will support you through this difficult time...
    First and for most,I would try my best,not to be so "available".Their seems to be other family members that could help her also.Take time for "YOU".Your mother can afford for someone to come in and do all that you have been doing.Then for the ...New Approach! Call your mother at best,twice a week to see how she is.Keep it short,sweet and to the point.Tell her to call if she needs anything and if she does,then you will see about someone getting it to her.I only wish, for you to get the "Respect" that you deserve.
    It seems like you are giving her a lot of Respect, while not receiving any back.Yes,we are to "Honor" our parents but, parents are to "Honor" their children as well.
    Hopefully, you can start seeing some changes in your mother,as well as your self.When you put "you" first,it puts a new light on your future.

    It is time to become your own mother. Learn to nurture yourself, identify your positive behaviors and traits, speak kindly to yourself quietly or in your mind. Picture yourself as lovable, and good and kind even if your warped mother was UNABLE to love. It was not you she could not love, but herself. She was bitter and struck out at others to push them away. Recreate yourself honey. Create a loving mother always available inside. I did all of these things to lessen the hurt from my mother with about 90% success.
    Blessings.Nancy


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