leeroy
Try to keep it clean please.
The other joke question has so many pages it's hard to find the new ones, so how about a new one?
Thank you all for the laughs, there were some great jokes on that thread.
11 Answers
Ms Sinclair
Best answer!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.
Here's another. A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice saying "13...13...13...13..." The man looks at the hospital wall and sees a hole in it. When he approaches the hole and looks through it he gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groans "14...14...14...14..."
| 13 years ago. Rating: 12 | |
country bumpkin
PEOPLELOVER
Two mates out shooting when one of them suddenly collapsed on the ground dead. His mate called (111, 911,000) for help. The operrator was quick to calm him. "Slow down sir, now firstly make sure he is dead." There was silence then the sound of a 308 rifle shot and the man got back on the phone with "Right what next?"
| 13 years ago. Rating: 8 | |
Coach
A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all.
That's because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
| 13 years ago. Rating: 8 | |
Great, It took me a second to get it, I must be tired, t.u. coach good one! Sounds like a teacher joke...
IamPamela313
Darci13
| 12 years ago. Rating: 7 | |
pythonlover
Chiangmai
EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS – Due to the recent cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
| 12 years ago. Rating: 5 | |
PANDA
Dollybird
When Mama looked in the mirror, her reflection committs suicide.
Your Daddy takes your Mama to work each day, so as he wont have to kiss her good bye.
People know what time your Mama was born, her face stopped the clock.
When your Mme wobbles down the street in September , Folks say, Dam it, cant believe its Halloween already.
A Duck and a Hen were walking along the road, when the Hen said to Duck, Im going to cross the road. The Duck said to Hen, dont do it, and Hen asked why ? The Duck said, if you do, you will never hear the end of it !
>> Check out this link, www.wackywits.com
| 11 years ago. Rating: 3 | |
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway Ireland, and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. Ill give 500 American dollars to anyone in here, who can drink ten pints of Guinness back to back. The room is quiet, and no one takes on the Texans offer. Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves, 30 minuits later he comes back, and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good ?, asks Paddy. The Texan answers yes. He orders the bar man to line up ten pints of Guinness. Paddy downs all ten pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other partrons cheer, and the Texan sits down in amazment. The Texan gives Paddy the 500 Dollars and asks, If you dont mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minuits you were gone ? Paddy Murophy replys oh,,,,,,,, I had to go to the pub down the street, to see if I could do it first.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 2 | |
Ok Tommy, at the Irish funeral, there is one less drunk, Now you can undo your suspenders. smile
lol, that was a good one, what happened to peoplelover? Suspended for what?